Updates from room 23

• Same squeaky bed.


• Same, unfortunately a lot sicker, baby sleeping in it.


• Same devastated mom sleeping next to him.


• Same desk next to the bed.

Same tv on the wall...

The tv can at least distract us somewhat from the depression that comes poring out of the walls in this place;we're watchin a movie together every night before Alex and B have to go home...

• Same 2 chairs over by the window where Alex and B can sit during the afternoons.


• Same little coffee table between them where we can take turns having our meals.


• Same smell of antiseptics in the air covering everything like a sticky blanket.


• Same room where the seconds are crawling by no matter what we do.


• Same dreary Hospital...

The days are long here; but the nights are longer...So, so much longer...

• Same empty couch/bed where B should be sleeping.


• Same loneliness lingering here late at night...


• Same panic trying to swamp me.


• Same worries of losing my little miracle drowning out all rational thinking.

Different day and, Different reason however, as Little peeper now has developed a fever, which may, or may not, mean that he has bacteria in his blood. He also has a terrible cough and, a lung x-ray has been made to exclude pneumonia.

They have also detected a slight heart-murmur and, an ultra-sound is to be made as soon as possible. They find this in about 60 % of all children and, only about 1 % really have a heart problem, but they of course have to investigate to make sure.

There is a suspicion of chicken pocks as well, but he's only got 2 little blisters so far, so it may also be something else. On top of that the incision on the side of his neck, where they went in while inserting the portacath seems red and irritated and, may be infected.

My little kangaroo-cub is mostly sleeping and, is for the most part too tired to play when he's awake. He's just sitting there on my lap, all quiet and, when Alex or B tries to take him he cries.

he gets a little bit of energy When the paracetamol kicks in and, at those times he even laughs a little, but after a while he just cries and cries again.

He's eating a little, so thus far it hasn't been necessary to put in a tube, but instead he's on an IV to keep him from becoming dehydrated.

He's getting antibiotics every 6 hours, some other kind of medecin 5 times a day to help his immune system fight chicken pocks. Paracetamol to keep the fever down and, the medication against nausea when needed. I realise that it's necessary, but I feel like he's being turned into a living pharmacy.

Another problem is that the antibiotics may help him right now, but it'll weaken his immune system even more than before. I don't know what kind of side effects the other medications may bring on, but I can tell you that his stomach is not reacting well.

We have changed a million diapers today and, the fun continues; I changed the last one about an hour ago and, like most of them to day, it was leaking all over the place... But worst of all is that it adds to the pain he has to deal with and, increases the risk of dehydration even more.

I Hate the cancer that does this to my baby!!! And I hate the Chemo therapy too!!! The only thing that can help him conquer the Retinoblastoma is making him more sick than the cancer itself. That would change, I know, but before we started the chemo treatment he was, if only outwardly, a perfectly healthy little baby.