The walls are closing in

Tomorrow is the day...
We have to be in Lund by 7:30 AM to get our little miracle ready for the first cancer check-up under anesthetics.

We've gotta get up in 2 hours. I should be sleeping, but there are trolls and demons lurking in the shadows tonight and, there's a monster right here under our bed.. Besides, I know that only nightmares are waiting for me on the road of dreams. So instead I'm sitting here typing away trying to hold my fear at bay...

Everybody's sleeping but me. I wish I knew how B does it; it's like he didn't have a care in the world, though I know of course that he is worried too... There's a part of me that wants to reach out my hand and shake him; how can he be asleep when tomorrow may be the start of a battle no baby should have to fight?

He's says that we can't think like that. That we have to believe that he's fine, especially as long as there are no signs of the Retinoblastoma. I want to, Oh how I want to believe that.

Everybody's telling me that he'll be fine, that they can't see any signs etc and, even the doctor we saw today seemed positive. If he's got something, at least his vision isn't effected by it, cause he follows object with his eyes and, it makes no difference if they cover one eye.

But I remember how it was with the cataract. Nobody thought that Alex had it and, then it turned out that he was probably almost totally blind before the surgery that he had when he was 3 months old. And this is so much worse...

All I can think of is how he keeps rubbing his eyes all the time and, I don't even know if that could be a symptom, cause stressed out over this whole thing as I am, I of course forgot to ask the doctor about it.

So now I can't sleep, even though my miracle is sleeping as peacefully as ever right here next to me. Tonight, not even that has a calming effect on me.

He has for once been out almost the whole time since 10 o'clock, which means that he's been asleep for almost 4 hours now. That is something that never happens around here, but it's like he knows that he has to prepare himself for tomorrow.

B and me were watching MRS Doubtfire earlier and, little Squeaker slept in my arms the whole time. He fussed a little when I laid him down next to me, but then he was out again. He woke up and cried once as well,but that was just a nightmare, so he went straight back to dreamland as soon as I had hugged him for a bit.

He's not allowed to eat after 2 AM, so I just tried to wake him up so that he could nurse a little, but he didn't even open his eyes. He ate in his sleep though, so I hope that he won't be too hungry when we have to get up at 4 AM to take the train to Lund.

Not even writing can comfort me tonight. Sometimes I wish I was little again, so that my mom and dad could turn the lights on and, scare the monsters off. Fear, worry and, Anxiety don't scare easily... and, they're hard to get rid of on your own sometimes...