Christmas time!

Christmas, Hanukah, and/or Kwanza... I hope the holidays are being kind to you all, what ever you're celebrating this weekend.

We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.

Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.

***

And now to tell you about our Christmas.

In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.

It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.

There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.

Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.

We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.

Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.

Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.

We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.

It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.

We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...

This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.

That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.

Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.

I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...

Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...

It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.

The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.

To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...