Little Peeper's blood work is pretty much following the same trend as last time I posted, that's to say everything is still coming back up, but his neutrophils are still alarmingly low, so we're keeping to ourselves as much as possible. The only time we se other people is when we go to his appointments orr to the counseling, but we're hoping that his values will come back up during next week, so that we'll maybe get the chance to see at least my sister for easter, as we have an extra week at home before the next chemo treatment.
Alex has the next week off from school and, in a moment of weakness I promised him that he would get to decide the menu for the whole week. The only condition was that he would help me cook the meals he picked out and, that he included vegetables. It'll be good practice for him...
We started off nicely by making our own pizza. The result wasn't too bad and, it was nice to get the chance to do something with him for a change, as little Peeper of course takes up most of my time...
We went for a long walk today too. I've been keeping track of distance, average pace etc, with Run Keeper and, we have walked over 30 km since Sunday. It's a good trend and, I hope tomorrow will be warm enough to keep it up.
Today was sunny enough, but the wind was pretty bad and, awfully cold. But at least we didn't get woke up by a blisard like my mom and my brothers. Either way, March is definitely going out like a lion.
Earth Hour ended a little over an hour ago and, considering what a good time it was to play word-games with Alex and B and, to sing songs together at candle light, we should turn all electric stuff off more ofthen. Little Peeper especially enjoyed the last part and, he loved to look at the candles.
Surprisingly enough, It seemed like a lot of people in our neighbourhood showed mother earth some respect and turned their lights off during Earth Hour. I didn't expect that, this isn't the type of neighbourhood where people believe that they can make a difference. They prefer to sit at home and complain about the crappy government running this country, instead of casting their votes on their oponents to make sure that the bastards lose their seats in the parlament.
You'd think that they'd join the ones who argue that turning everything off for an hour isn't going to make any difference and, how we will use up more energy by starting everything back up again, but for once I was glad to find that I was wrong...
By the way, of course it doesn't make a lot of difference from the energy perspective, but the whine-bags are missing the point...
Earth hour is about raising awareness about how much energy we're using up and, about the environmental situation, which is getting more desperate every day and, jus the fact that the world's largest volontary movement to save the environment has reached even the semi-ghetto where we live, is proof that it's working.
I wish there was a way to raise awareness about baby loss and childhood cancer that was just as effective.
Showing posts with label Our little family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Our little family. Show all posts
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
10 months!
10 months! And we are at home!
We celebrated 8 months in the hospital and, 9 months as well, but today there's:
I know his blood work is still atrocious and, he threw up again a couple of times yesterday, but I noticed last night that His 8th tooth had broken through, so I'm hoping that can explain some of his stomach trouble. He seems to be feeling alright this morning at least.
And That is all it takes to make me happy.
- waking up in our own bed!
- Getting up to change little Peeper on our "own" changing table and, Putting on one of our "own" clean diapers.
- Picking out something nice for little Peeper and, dressing him in clothes of his "own".
- Having breakfast Together, all of us, in our "own" kitchen!
- Playing with little Peeper's "own" toys on his "own" little playmat!
- Playing music on our "own" CD and dancing around with him just because we're happy to be alive and, well enough to be out of the hospital.
- Perhaps going for a walk here in a little while, if the weather allows it...
We celebrated 8 months in the hospital and, 9 months as well, but today there's:
- No Hospital room,
- no hospital bed,
- no hospital clothes,
- No canula to worry about when we're playing, bathing, or putting clothes on
- no hospital breakfast with only Peeper and me,
- and, more importantly, there is no super sick little baby!
I know his blood work is still atrocious and, he threw up again a couple of times yesterday, but I noticed last night that His 8th tooth had broken through, so I'm hoping that can explain some of his stomach trouble. He seems to be feeling alright this morning at least.
And That is all it takes to make me happy.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Just a little update
It was time for some blood work again today and, as usual after the chemo, everything is going down, down, down. The doctor was a bit concerned and, we're gonna have to go back in for another check-up on Monday, to make sure that they catch it in time in case little Peeper needs another blood transfusion.
His Hemaglobin was 93 today, which means that it can drop another 13 units before the blood transfusion is absolutely necessary, but we know that it'll keep going down during the next week. It always keeps falling for about 10 to 14 days after the treatment, so I'm glad they'll be keeping a close eye on him.
More over, if the weather only decides to be as nice as it was today, we won't mind walking back and forth to the hospital. Today was the first bit of fresh air that we have gotten since we got home from the last treatment, so being able to walk around out there without a coat on was definitely a more than welcome change to the cold and rainy weather we've been having thus far. Not too mention how good it felt to get out of the house for a couple of hours.
It was a bit chilly on the way over there this morning, but it was 10 degrees C out there when we were walking back home and, I would imagine probably 15 or so in the sun, though it may of course have been a little more or a little less. either way it was wonderfully warm and, spring is finally, finally on it's way.
I'm looking forward to taking lon walks in the sunshine again. It'll be great for all of us. Little peepr is going to be old enough to go to the playground here pretty soon as well... Now if only he could get to feel well enough for more than a couple of days at a time we'll spend as much time as possible outdoors.
The first few days after this last treatment were a bit ruff on him with a lot of nausea even in spite of the medecin. He has been a little feberish too. Not enough to go to the hospital, but right on the edge. He has just now gotten better and, he seems to be back to normal now. It's a little bit hard to tell though, since he's super cranky because yet another one of his upper teeth broke through yesterday and, there's another one on the way. That may explain the fever though and, I'm glad that it was teething and not complications from the chemo that caused it.
He's got 7 teeth now. He's growing up so fast and, He will turn 1 years old here before we know it. I just hope we don't have to be in the hospital when he does.
There was a little boy turning 2 the same day that we left the childhood cancer ward this last time. We didn't see him, but there was a sign saying "happy second birthday" up on the door to his room. It made me cry and, I have thought of him and his parents ever since. Children shouldn't have to celebrate their birthdays in the pediatric oncology ward. We left a couple balloons for him outside the door to his room. It wasn't much, but it was all we had and, we had a train to catch. I hope he was strong enough to play with them.
The ward was full this time. I've never seen so many children over there at once and, way too many of them are just little babies. It's a very difficult place to be. So many had to stay over the weekend too. Normaly that doesn't bode well. I know we stayed that first time cause they were going to begin the chemo therapy treatment, so there was no point in going home as we would have lost almost 2 whole days to traveling anyway. It's just that there are other explanations for stayint the weekend as well and, when the little ones are staying in their rooms instead of being out in the playing area it's usually one that hurts too much to think about.
Why is life so unfair!? Why can't all children at least get a good start in life. It seems like they should have a right to it.
I guess ultimately I shouldn't worry about celebrating his birthday in the hospital. At least his prognosis is such that we will get to celebrate many more with him. Not all parents are that lucky.
I've been very down lately. It should be the other way around with the good news we received last time, but could, would and should, never seem to be a reliable source for how things actually turn out.
Life itself is hard to deal with and, I'm so worried about my older brother too. But everything is making me kind of sad right now.
Especially that little peeper is growing up too fast and, Alex is too; he'll be going away to collige before we know it. I wish there was a way to slow the time down some times. But on the other hand I'd like it to speed up so that we can get done with the chemo and, hopefully start living again. I feel like our lives have been on hold ever since the first suspicion of cancer was raised.
I should really try to take my own advice and find joy in all the little things such as that little peepre is getting to be so talkative now, responding with a million different little sounds every time we're saying something to him. But I feel as if I do for the most part even though it definitely doesn't sound that way right now. There are plenty of reasons for happiness even in the difficult times we're going through. As always it comes from the children, but there is more: such as the fact that we actually are in love with each other still after all that has been going down.
Or the joy that was plain for anyone to see throughout B's whole being that day little Peeper decided to call his dad "baba."
As for other words, He already says:
"Mamma" for me, and, "hey" and, "no" in swedish. No english words yet though other than "Hey," wich sounds the same in both languages. He doesn't have a word for Alex yet either, but his whole little body is full of joy every time he sees him. Especially this past week, since Alex is getting home a lot later than usual.
Everybody in Alex's class has been trying out how it would be to have a job this past week and, the music store where he's working closes at 6, so as he's walking home, he's not here until 7 or so. Normally he's home somewhere between 3:30 and 4 o'clock and, little squeeker is definitely noticing the difference.
I hope this weekend brings more lovely weather, so that we can spend some more time outdoors in the sunshine. I'm sure that'll be good for little Peeper's blood count as well. He's neutrophils were at 0.9 today, so at least that's not alarming yet, but if his history is taken into account we can be pretty sure that his headed towards neutropenia anyway and, what ever little help he can get to boost his energy levels is more than welcome right now.
His Hemaglobin was 93 today, which means that it can drop another 13 units before the blood transfusion is absolutely necessary, but we know that it'll keep going down during the next week. It always keeps falling for about 10 to 14 days after the treatment, so I'm glad they'll be keeping a close eye on him.
More over, if the weather only decides to be as nice as it was today, we won't mind walking back and forth to the hospital. Today was the first bit of fresh air that we have gotten since we got home from the last treatment, so being able to walk around out there without a coat on was definitely a more than welcome change to the cold and rainy weather we've been having thus far. Not too mention how good it felt to get out of the house for a couple of hours.
It was a bit chilly on the way over there this morning, but it was 10 degrees C out there when we were walking back home and, I would imagine probably 15 or so in the sun, though it may of course have been a little more or a little less. either way it was wonderfully warm and, spring is finally, finally on it's way.
I'm looking forward to taking lon walks in the sunshine again. It'll be great for all of us. Little peepr is going to be old enough to go to the playground here pretty soon as well... Now if only he could get to feel well enough for more than a couple of days at a time we'll spend as much time as possible outdoors.
The first few days after this last treatment were a bit ruff on him with a lot of nausea even in spite of the medecin. He has been a little feberish too. Not enough to go to the hospital, but right on the edge. He has just now gotten better and, he seems to be back to normal now. It's a little bit hard to tell though, since he's super cranky because yet another one of his upper teeth broke through yesterday and, there's another one on the way. That may explain the fever though and, I'm glad that it was teething and not complications from the chemo that caused it.
He's got 7 teeth now. He's growing up so fast and, He will turn 1 years old here before we know it. I just hope we don't have to be in the hospital when he does.
There was a little boy turning 2 the same day that we left the childhood cancer ward this last time. We didn't see him, but there was a sign saying "happy second birthday" up on the door to his room. It made me cry and, I have thought of him and his parents ever since. Children shouldn't have to celebrate their birthdays in the pediatric oncology ward. We left a couple balloons for him outside the door to his room. It wasn't much, but it was all we had and, we had a train to catch. I hope he was strong enough to play with them.
The ward was full this time. I've never seen so many children over there at once and, way too many of them are just little babies. It's a very difficult place to be. So many had to stay over the weekend too. Normaly that doesn't bode well. I know we stayed that first time cause they were going to begin the chemo therapy treatment, so there was no point in going home as we would have lost almost 2 whole days to traveling anyway. It's just that there are other explanations for stayint the weekend as well and, when the little ones are staying in their rooms instead of being out in the playing area it's usually one that hurts too much to think about.
Why is life so unfair!? Why can't all children at least get a good start in life. It seems like they should have a right to it.
I guess ultimately I shouldn't worry about celebrating his birthday in the hospital. At least his prognosis is such that we will get to celebrate many more with him. Not all parents are that lucky.
I've been very down lately. It should be the other way around with the good news we received last time, but could, would and should, never seem to be a reliable source for how things actually turn out.
Life itself is hard to deal with and, I'm so worried about my older brother too. But everything is making me kind of sad right now.
Especially that little peeper is growing up too fast and, Alex is too; he'll be going away to collige before we know it. I wish there was a way to slow the time down some times. But on the other hand I'd like it to speed up so that we can get done with the chemo and, hopefully start living again. I feel like our lives have been on hold ever since the first suspicion of cancer was raised.
I should really try to take my own advice and find joy in all the little things such as that little peepre is getting to be so talkative now, responding with a million different little sounds every time we're saying something to him. But I feel as if I do for the most part even though it definitely doesn't sound that way right now. There are plenty of reasons for happiness even in the difficult times we're going through. As always it comes from the children, but there is more: such as the fact that we actually are in love with each other still after all that has been going down.
Or the joy that was plain for anyone to see throughout B's whole being that day little Peeper decided to call his dad "baba."
As for other words, He already says:
"Mamma" for me, and, "hey" and, "no" in swedish. No english words yet though other than "Hey," wich sounds the same in both languages. He doesn't have a word for Alex yet either, but his whole little body is full of joy every time he sees him. Especially this past week, since Alex is getting home a lot later than usual.
Everybody in Alex's class has been trying out how it would be to have a job this past week and, the music store where he's working closes at 6, so as he's walking home, he's not here until 7 or so. Normally he's home somewhere between 3:30 and 4 o'clock and, little squeeker is definitely noticing the difference.
I hope this weekend brings more lovely weather, so that we can spend some more time outdoors in the sunshine. I'm sure that'll be good for little Peeper's blood count as well. He's neutrophils were at 0.9 today, so at least that's not alarming yet, but if his history is taken into account we can be pretty sure that his headed towards neutropenia anyway and, what ever little help he can get to boost his energy levels is more than welcome right now.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A little bit of normal
Alex has the week off from school and, he actually went to his second lan party of the week last night. I'm so glad he's getting a chance to hang out with friends and live a little.
This experience has been hard on all of us, but life is confusing enough for a teenager without this extra added to it and, all in all it has been very isolating for all of us, including, or should I say especially for him.
Not all kids his age would head straight to the hospital after school to spend the afternoon with their sick little brother instead of hanging out with friends.
This makes me doubly thankful that little Peeper is doing well. He needss the strength he gains by not being sick and, we all feel better just by seing him well and happy.
Lately I've begun to feel as if our whole little family's got cancer, not just our little miracle. All that worrying and the many sleepless nights has turned into another rapidly growing tumor that's coming between us and, B especially is having a lot of problems managing his anger. But nobody's feeling well psychologically and, we're snappyish with each other all the time, so this chance to just rest and briethe is more than welcome.
Peeper's got a bit of a cold, but he's happy for the most part. Colds we can deal with.
He's playing and exploring and, his favorite thing to do seems to be opoening all the drors and cabinets in the kitchen and throwing all the stuff out on the flor.
If it wasn't for that I know what it means to see him as my little kangaroo-cub, when he doesn't have the energy to do anything but sit on my lap and cuddle, or be carried around in the carrier, he'd probably drive me crazy; nothing is safe from those curious little hands of his.
In other words, he's doing all those things a 9-month-old baby should do and, it is wonderful to see! I don't mind having a little gremlin in my kitchen, as long as it's a happy little gremlin.
This experience has been hard on all of us, but life is confusing enough for a teenager without this extra added to it and, all in all it has been very isolating for all of us, including, or should I say especially for him.
Not all kids his age would head straight to the hospital after school to spend the afternoon with their sick little brother instead of hanging out with friends.
This makes me doubly thankful that little Peeper is doing well. He needss the strength he gains by not being sick and, we all feel better just by seing him well and happy.
Lately I've begun to feel as if our whole little family's got cancer, not just our little miracle. All that worrying and the many sleepless nights has turned into another rapidly growing tumor that's coming between us and, B especially is having a lot of problems managing his anger. But nobody's feeling well psychologically and, we're snappyish with each other all the time, so this chance to just rest and briethe is more than welcome.
Peeper's got a bit of a cold, but he's happy for the most part. Colds we can deal with.
He's playing and exploring and, his favorite thing to do seems to be opoening all the drors and cabinets in the kitchen and throwing all the stuff out on the flor.
If it wasn't for that I know what it means to see him as my little kangaroo-cub, when he doesn't have the energy to do anything but sit on my lap and cuddle, or be carried around in the carrier, he'd probably drive me crazy; nothing is safe from those curious little hands of his.
In other words, he's doing all those things a 9-month-old baby should do and, it is wonderful to see! I don't mind having a little gremlin in my kitchen, as long as it's a happy little gremlin.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
In a rich man's world
If I was rich...
That's probably something all of us who don't have a fortune stacked away in the bank really like to dream about; what would we do with $1 M?
What would you do? Quit your job? Travel? Invest? Buy an apartment, a house, a mansion? Give your kids everything they wanted? The options are unlimited... Or, at least they use to be...
I know it's such a platitude, : but "money can't buy everything..."
I know, I know, to quote one of my favorite characters in the literary world, Rhett Butler from "Gone with the wind": "generally it can and, when it can't it can buy some of the most remarkable substitutes."
If you had asked me a few months ago I would have agreed with that wholeheartedly, but when it comes to having a 8-month-old who's been diagnosed with cancer, there's only so much that money would be good for...And yet we're in need of money more than ever...
Even here in Sweden, where the health care is so affordable compared to many other countries, one would almost have to be rich to be able to afford to have a child suffering from cancer.
So you see I haven't stopped dreaming about money, but I dream of other things.
If I was rich...
I would have been able to take a cab home from the hospital with my baby today, instead of waiting around for almost 4 hours before the transportation service came to pick us up.
My baby, who by the way is so prone to get infections due to chemo treatment that he's not allowed to be around other people, much less take public transit.
This means that the hospital makes sure that we will get a cab at a reduced prize. They even let me borrow a car seat when they released us this past Saturday, which was a great help and, something that I sincerely appreciate.
At first it was said that I could borrow it until we had been able to buy a car seat of our own, but it turned out that I would have to return it when we came back to the day time ward for blood work today.
I know I know, I had planned to get one earlier, but with all this tripps to hospitals all over the country, I had to prioritize...
With both of us being legally blind and, obviously not able to drive a car, a car seat seemed to be something we could live without for a little while longer. Little did I know how much we would need one...
Now I was stuck at the hospital all Saturday and, there was no way I could get that taken care of yesterday, so I had planned to walk home. But the temperature has suddenly decided to drop to 17 below, so I obviously can't run the risk of dragging my little one around out there for the 30 minutes it takes to walk home from the hospital.
"No problem however," since the nurse at the day time ward had figured out that the transportation service would have car seats available and, as long as the hospital book the transportation, little Peeper would have the right to his own cab with a car seat installed...
Does it sound too good to be true? Well it was...
On the way over there I of course still had the car seat that they loaned me a couple of days earlier, so I never thought to ask the driver about it. It turned out that I was lucky to have it, or there would very likely not have been any blood tests today.
The interesting part started when the same driver came to pick us up to go back home. He showed up at 11 o'clock, just like he was suppose to. That is otherwise generally where they fail; most of the time they're at least 20 minutes late, which is why I prefer the buses. But you gotta do what you gotta do and, in a situation like this one, it's of course invaluable to have the option to take our little one straight home....That is, until the driver obstinately claims that they do not provide car seats for babies and, if I don't want to hold the baby on my lap while he takes us home, there is nothing he can do for me...
I of course refused and, asked him to wait a minute to see if I could borrow the car seat from the hospital again, but he just snapped that he did not have time for this "bullshit" and, just like that, he got in his car and left.
The nurse who took care of little Kangaroo-cub's blood work of course called the transportation service right away. They explained that there had been a mistake, but they'd send a car over as soon as possible...At 2 o'clock...
Yeh at 2 o'clock...
So..We sat around and waited for 3 hours in a room used for counseling at the day time ward, so as to keep us separated from the other children.
At 2 o'clock, a nurse walked with me to the main entrance of the hospital and decided to wait with me to make sure that nothing went wrong this time. The cab driver arrived shortly and, told her that there was nothing to worry about; he'd make sure that we got home safely.
We got as far as to his car and, I even got to put Peeper in the car seat and, that's when the trouble started again...
The driver did not know how the car seat worked you understand...
I obviously didn't know either; it was the wierdest contraption I've ever seen! There just didn't seem to be a way to adjust the straps for the seat belt, so we couldn't buckle him in there.
The driver kept complaining of how:
"he didn't have time for this"
"Didn't have any education that had taught him about car seats..."
"Couldn't be expected to know anything about Kids and their stuff."
"Couldn't understand why I hadn't just bought my own car seat."
"Couldn't understand why I couldn't just hold the baby on my lap, cause he really didn't have time to call the people responsible for the reservations and, try to get someone else, who knew about these things, to explain or, come over"
On...and on...And on...
Finally he said...Yeh, you've guessed it... That if I wasn't willing to just hold the baby on my lap while he took me home...There was nothing he could do for me..And, so he too, got in his car and left...
I did however get this one to call the transportation service first to tell them to send someone else over and, his definition of the solution to the problem was to tell them to "send some women over who could be expected to know about kids and car seats..."
I still can't believe that this was the second driver with in just a few hours who thought that "a car seat wouldn't be necessary" and that "It wouldn't be a problem to cheat a little just this once."
Did I mention that, aside from the obvious security reasons, this is also not recommendable since it's against the law to have a baby in a car without a car seat in this country?
I wonder if they'd still would think so "little" of it if my baby died in an accident in their f**king car...
Anyway, Back into the hospital we went... To borrow the phone from the lady in the reception this time...
She got upset when she heard what happened and called the transportation service herself to make sure that they would get a move on, but...They didn't have any cars available until 2:40. By then that was just 20 minutes away, so there was no point in getting someone to walk with me to the day time ward again, cause we would have to turn around and come back right away.
This of course meant that I had to expose my little Kangaroo-cub to all the potentially harmful people sitting and waiting around us or, just passing through the reception area, whom for all I knew could be crawling with bacteria, germs and viruses...
I know that sounds absurd, but that's more or less how I think of other people these days, cause they are all a potential threat to my baby's vulnerable health.
If I was rich...
I would have had a way to tell B not to worry about us and, he wouldn't have been forced to wait around out dores for us in this cold weather....
But since we only have one set of keys at the moment, since Alex has lost 3 sets by now, including the new set that my uncle got after losing the remaining one, B had to stand around over here and wait for us after he got back from his appointment at 12:30 or so... We should have been home waiting for him by then.
A new set can be had for 1000 Sek, about $170, so that, like most other things, will have to wait for now...
When I got home B had gotten tired of waiting around and, gone over to the hospital to look for me. I had not been able to call him, cause just the day before we were suppose to go to Stockholm for the first Chemo treatment, we had the pleasure of figuring out that Nokia phones do not like microwaves...
A new cell phone with accessibility potential, meaning one with the Symbian OS, which can be made accessible with either: Nuance Talks or Mobile Speak, doesn't come for less than $400 or so. The alternative is an iPhone, which has built in speach, but an iPhone 4 is right now around 6000 Sek, or $1000 , so go figure...
By the way, Nobody knows how the heck the phone ended up in the microwave, but we're incredibly lucky that I was just gonna warm up some water for little Peeper's cereal. Had it been left overs for dinner or something like that I might have left the kitchen and, so I would never have heard the strange sound that got me to immediately turn the freaking thing off.
Bye Bye apartment...
In the light of that I guess it's no big deal that I had no way of notifying B of the situation with the transportation service, but you know how it is; it could always be worse. But that doesn't stop me from wondering why...Why... out of all times... did it have to happen right now...
If I was rich...
I would hire someone to change my baby's diapers for 72 hours after the chemo therapy, since I cannot change him with gloves on...nor can I clean up if he gets sick and throws up, cause when one is blind, there's just no other options available than to use ones hands to make sure that everything's clean. The thing is, that even though we of course wash our hands thoroughly afterwords, the chemo drugs are highly absorbent, so who knows how much of them that ends up in the blood stream anyway.
While the chemo drugs are being administered the nurses have agreed to change him for us, but once we're released we're on our own...
This even though they recommend all parents to wear gloves during 72 hours after the chemo treatment, because the drugs are present in all body fluids. Especially urine and vomit...
Naturally, I've demanded help with this, but all of a sudden the chemo drugs aren't very dangerous at all...
"Oh no, it's enough to just wash one's hands after the diaper change; no worries..."
"The gloves are just a recommendation; not a necessity..."
"Don't we know that it's the parent's responsibility to take care of their baby?"
"A little chemo never hurt anyone. and, they only wear protection because they work with the medications every day."
"no they cannot understand why we're freaking out about this."
Right...
That must be why they recommended gloves from the start; I'm sure...
It must also be the reason why exposure to chemo drugs are asociated with:
Miscarriage, birth defects and, several types of cancer...
Yup...I'm convinced that's how it is...
I guess we'll find out, since I'm at a 50 % chance of getting some kind of cancer before I reach the age of 50 anyway, due to the Retinoblastoma gene mutation, which is present in all the cells throughout my body. So why not add a little chemo drugs exposure and make certain that I don't fall outside of the statistics...
Also, now that we've figured out that preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) can be used in conjunction with in vitro fertilization (IVF) to screen our embryos for the RB-gene to avoid passing it on to another baby. Yeh then a couple of birth defects would of course be welcome instead - That's what all of you would want for your children; right?
If I was rich...
We wouldn't have to be hungry while staying in the hospital...
I know, it's completely ludicrous, but it's the truth.
There are no stores close by the hospital and, since both of us are legally blind, we can't exactly start taking buses in the search of one and just hope for the best.
This means that it's impossible for me and Brandon to eat anywhere but in the hospital cafeteria, where a hot meal is 80 SEK, that's 160 SEK a day, just for dinner. A sandwich is 45 SEK, so add another 90 for breakfast. Add something to drink and that'll be another 50. I suppose we can make it through on that, but that's still 300 SEK, or $50 that we have to pay daily, just to eat and, eat a little at that...
But at least it's only for 5 days every 3 weeks.. and, the coffee is free, so it's not like we're going to starve, but still...
If I was rich...
I wouldn't sit here and stare at a budget for hours. Calculating and re- calculating. Hoping maybe money would just magically appear...So that we can fly home after the chemo, instead of dragging little Peeper around on a train for 8 hours before we reach our destination.Knowing every second that he could contract something that'll mean going straight to our local hospital when we get home.
No such luck however!
3400 SEK one way for the plane tickets, As oppose to 1200 Sek for the train tickets speaks it's own language; we can't do it... My brain is spinning in a million directions; I just am so frustrated!
I suppose, Since we can't sue neither angels nor demons for giving us such a shitty start to 2012... Perhaps we should just try to sue Nokia for not having a warning about cell phones and microwaves... I don't know... All I know is that more money can feel free to materialize in my bank account any time!
That's probably something all of us who don't have a fortune stacked away in the bank really like to dream about; what would we do with $1 M?
What would you do? Quit your job? Travel? Invest? Buy an apartment, a house, a mansion? Give your kids everything they wanted? The options are unlimited... Or, at least they use to be...
I know it's such a platitude, : but "money can't buy everything..."
I know, I know, to quote one of my favorite characters in the literary world, Rhett Butler from "Gone with the wind": "generally it can and, when it can't it can buy some of the most remarkable substitutes."
If you had asked me a few months ago I would have agreed with that wholeheartedly, but when it comes to having a 8-month-old who's been diagnosed with cancer, there's only so much that money would be good for...And yet we're in need of money more than ever...
Even here in Sweden, where the health care is so affordable compared to many other countries, one would almost have to be rich to be able to afford to have a child suffering from cancer.
So you see I haven't stopped dreaming about money, but I dream of other things.
If I was rich...
I would have been able to take a cab home from the hospital with my baby today, instead of waiting around for almost 4 hours before the transportation service came to pick us up.
My baby, who by the way is so prone to get infections due to chemo treatment that he's not allowed to be around other people, much less take public transit.
This means that the hospital makes sure that we will get a cab at a reduced prize. They even let me borrow a car seat when they released us this past Saturday, which was a great help and, something that I sincerely appreciate.
At first it was said that I could borrow it until we had been able to buy a car seat of our own, but it turned out that I would have to return it when we came back to the day time ward for blood work today.
I know I know, I had planned to get one earlier, but with all this tripps to hospitals all over the country, I had to prioritize...
With both of us being legally blind and, obviously not able to drive a car, a car seat seemed to be something we could live without for a little while longer. Little did I know how much we would need one...
Now I was stuck at the hospital all Saturday and, there was no way I could get that taken care of yesterday, so I had planned to walk home. But the temperature has suddenly decided to drop to 17 below, so I obviously can't run the risk of dragging my little one around out there for the 30 minutes it takes to walk home from the hospital.
"No problem however," since the nurse at the day time ward had figured out that the transportation service would have car seats available and, as long as the hospital book the transportation, little Peeper would have the right to his own cab with a car seat installed...
Does it sound too good to be true? Well it was...
On the way over there I of course still had the car seat that they loaned me a couple of days earlier, so I never thought to ask the driver about it. It turned out that I was lucky to have it, or there would very likely not have been any blood tests today.
The interesting part started when the same driver came to pick us up to go back home. He showed up at 11 o'clock, just like he was suppose to. That is otherwise generally where they fail; most of the time they're at least 20 minutes late, which is why I prefer the buses. But you gotta do what you gotta do and, in a situation like this one, it's of course invaluable to have the option to take our little one straight home....That is, until the driver obstinately claims that they do not provide car seats for babies and, if I don't want to hold the baby on my lap while he takes us home, there is nothing he can do for me...
I of course refused and, asked him to wait a minute to see if I could borrow the car seat from the hospital again, but he just snapped that he did not have time for this "bullshit" and, just like that, he got in his car and left.
The nurse who took care of little Kangaroo-cub's blood work of course called the transportation service right away. They explained that there had been a mistake, but they'd send a car over as soon as possible...At 2 o'clock...
Yeh at 2 o'clock...
So..We sat around and waited for 3 hours in a room used for counseling at the day time ward, so as to keep us separated from the other children.
At 2 o'clock, a nurse walked with me to the main entrance of the hospital and decided to wait with me to make sure that nothing went wrong this time. The cab driver arrived shortly and, told her that there was nothing to worry about; he'd make sure that we got home safely.
We got as far as to his car and, I even got to put Peeper in the car seat and, that's when the trouble started again...
The driver did not know how the car seat worked you understand...
I obviously didn't know either; it was the wierdest contraption I've ever seen! There just didn't seem to be a way to adjust the straps for the seat belt, so we couldn't buckle him in there.
The driver kept complaining of how:
"he didn't have time for this"
"Didn't have any education that had taught him about car seats..."
"Couldn't be expected to know anything about Kids and their stuff."
"Couldn't understand why I hadn't just bought my own car seat."
"Couldn't understand why I couldn't just hold the baby on my lap, cause he really didn't have time to call the people responsible for the reservations and, try to get someone else, who knew about these things, to explain or, come over"
On...and on...And on...
Finally he said...Yeh, you've guessed it... That if I wasn't willing to just hold the baby on my lap while he took me home...There was nothing he could do for me..And, so he too, got in his car and left...
I did however get this one to call the transportation service first to tell them to send someone else over and, his definition of the solution to the problem was to tell them to "send some women over who could be expected to know about kids and car seats..."
I still can't believe that this was the second driver with in just a few hours who thought that "a car seat wouldn't be necessary" and that "It wouldn't be a problem to cheat a little just this once."
Did I mention that, aside from the obvious security reasons, this is also not recommendable since it's against the law to have a baby in a car without a car seat in this country?
I wonder if they'd still would think so "little" of it if my baby died in an accident in their f**king car...
Anyway, Back into the hospital we went... To borrow the phone from the lady in the reception this time...
She got upset when she heard what happened and called the transportation service herself to make sure that they would get a move on, but...They didn't have any cars available until 2:40. By then that was just 20 minutes away, so there was no point in getting someone to walk with me to the day time ward again, cause we would have to turn around and come back right away.
This of course meant that I had to expose my little Kangaroo-cub to all the potentially harmful people sitting and waiting around us or, just passing through the reception area, whom for all I knew could be crawling with bacteria, germs and viruses...
I know that sounds absurd, but that's more or less how I think of other people these days, cause they are all a potential threat to my baby's vulnerable health.
If I was rich...
I would have had a way to tell B not to worry about us and, he wouldn't have been forced to wait around out dores for us in this cold weather....
But since we only have one set of keys at the moment, since Alex has lost 3 sets by now, including the new set that my uncle got after losing the remaining one, B had to stand around over here and wait for us after he got back from his appointment at 12:30 or so... We should have been home waiting for him by then.
A new set can be had for 1000 Sek, about $170, so that, like most other things, will have to wait for now...
When I got home B had gotten tired of waiting around and, gone over to the hospital to look for me. I had not been able to call him, cause just the day before we were suppose to go to Stockholm for the first Chemo treatment, we had the pleasure of figuring out that Nokia phones do not like microwaves...
A new cell phone with accessibility potential, meaning one with the Symbian OS, which can be made accessible with either: Nuance Talks or Mobile Speak, doesn't come for less than $400 or so. The alternative is an iPhone, which has built in speach, but an iPhone 4 is right now around 6000 Sek, or $1000 , so go figure...
By the way, Nobody knows how the heck the phone ended up in the microwave, but we're incredibly lucky that I was just gonna warm up some water for little Peeper's cereal. Had it been left overs for dinner or something like that I might have left the kitchen and, so I would never have heard the strange sound that got me to immediately turn the freaking thing off.
Bye Bye apartment...
In the light of that I guess it's no big deal that I had no way of notifying B of the situation with the transportation service, but you know how it is; it could always be worse. But that doesn't stop me from wondering why...Why... out of all times... did it have to happen right now...
If I was rich...
I would hire someone to change my baby's diapers for 72 hours after the chemo therapy, since I cannot change him with gloves on...nor can I clean up if he gets sick and throws up, cause when one is blind, there's just no other options available than to use ones hands to make sure that everything's clean. The thing is, that even though we of course wash our hands thoroughly afterwords, the chemo drugs are highly absorbent, so who knows how much of them that ends up in the blood stream anyway.
While the chemo drugs are being administered the nurses have agreed to change him for us, but once we're released we're on our own...
This even though they recommend all parents to wear gloves during 72 hours after the chemo treatment, because the drugs are present in all body fluids. Especially urine and vomit...
Naturally, I've demanded help with this, but all of a sudden the chemo drugs aren't very dangerous at all...
"Oh no, it's enough to just wash one's hands after the diaper change; no worries..."
"The gloves are just a recommendation; not a necessity..."
"Don't we know that it's the parent's responsibility to take care of their baby?"
"A little chemo never hurt anyone. and, they only wear protection because they work with the medications every day."
"no they cannot understand why we're freaking out about this."
Right...
That must be why they recommended gloves from the start; I'm sure...
It must also be the reason why exposure to chemo drugs are asociated with:
Miscarriage, birth defects and, several types of cancer...
Yup...I'm convinced that's how it is...
I guess we'll find out, since I'm at a 50 % chance of getting some kind of cancer before I reach the age of 50 anyway, due to the Retinoblastoma gene mutation, which is present in all the cells throughout my body. So why not add a little chemo drugs exposure and make certain that I don't fall outside of the statistics...
Also, now that we've figured out that preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) can be used in conjunction with in vitro fertilization (IVF) to screen our embryos for the RB-gene to avoid passing it on to another baby. Yeh then a couple of birth defects would of course be welcome instead - That's what all of you would want for your children; right?
If I was rich...
We wouldn't have to be hungry while staying in the hospital...
I know, it's completely ludicrous, but it's the truth.
There are no stores close by the hospital and, since both of us are legally blind, we can't exactly start taking buses in the search of one and just hope for the best.
This means that it's impossible for me and Brandon to eat anywhere but in the hospital cafeteria, where a hot meal is 80 SEK, that's 160 SEK a day, just for dinner. A sandwich is 45 SEK, so add another 90 for breakfast. Add something to drink and that'll be another 50. I suppose we can make it through on that, but that's still 300 SEK, or $50 that we have to pay daily, just to eat and, eat a little at that...
But at least it's only for 5 days every 3 weeks.. and, the coffee is free, so it's not like we're going to starve, but still...
If I was rich...
I wouldn't sit here and stare at a budget for hours. Calculating and re- calculating. Hoping maybe money would just magically appear...So that we can fly home after the chemo, instead of dragging little Peeper around on a train for 8 hours before we reach our destination.Knowing every second that he could contract something that'll mean going straight to our local hospital when we get home.
No such luck however!
3400 SEK one way for the plane tickets, As oppose to 1200 Sek for the train tickets speaks it's own language; we can't do it... My brain is spinning in a million directions; I just am so frustrated!
I suppose, Since we can't sue neither angels nor demons for giving us such a shitty start to 2012... Perhaps we should just try to sue Nokia for not having a warning about cell phones and microwaves... I don't know... All I know is that more money can feel free to materialize in my bank account any time!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas time!
Christmas, Hanukah, and/or Kwanza... I hope the holidays are being kind to you all, what ever you're celebrating this weekend.
We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.
Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.
***
And now to tell you about our Christmas.
In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.
There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.
Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.
We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.
Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.
Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.
We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.
It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.
We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...
This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.
That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.
Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.
I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...
Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...
It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.
The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.
To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...
We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.
Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.
***
And now to tell you about our Christmas.
In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.
There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.
Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.
We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.
Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.
Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.
We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.
It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.
We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...
This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.
That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.
Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.
I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...
Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...
It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.
The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.
To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...
Monday, October 3, 2011
Baby vintage
If you happen to live in Sweden, or more in particular in the Helsingborg area, Baby Vintage is the place to go to find cheap stuff for your little one.
You want it, they've got it...
We had a little bit of trouble finding the place, but I think it was just because Alex was in a crappy mood. Good thing the weather was nice, cause at least we didn't get neither wet nor cold.
Oh the joys of being the mother of a pesimistic teenager who always automatically decides ahead of time that things are not going to work out... No matter how hard I try to tell him that if you expect to fail, you generally will, but if you try to find a solution, you generally will as well, so you should always pick the second alternative when you have the option...
Anyway, I love the store!
Mostly because they're cheap, but also because they're selling both old and new stuff, which means that I may be able to sell some of Peeper's stuff back to them when he has outgrown it or we've gotten tired of it...
We ended up getting more than we had planned to, but after Peeper decided that:
After all that I just had to get him:
I would have gotten him a new sleepingbag for the stroller too, but since we'll be going back soon to get him a chair and a mobile for the crib, we decided to wait.
I'm looking forward to it already. Though I wouldn't mind it to be a little bit less eventful...
- Cribs,
- cradles,
- strollers,
- baby gyms,
- baby bouncers,
- bumbo seats,
- baby carriers,
- baby wraps,
- baby slings,
- baptism gowns
You want it, they've got it...
We had a little bit of trouble finding the place, but I think it was just because Alex was in a crappy mood. Good thing the weather was nice, cause at least we didn't get neither wet nor cold.
Oh the joys of being the mother of a pesimistic teenager who always automatically decides ahead of time that things are not going to work out... No matter how hard I try to tell him that if you expect to fail, you generally will, but if you try to find a solution, you generally will as well, so you should always pick the second alternative when you have the option...
Anyway, I love the store!
Mostly because they're cheap, but also because they're selling both old and new stuff, which means that I may be able to sell some of Peeper's stuff back to them when he has outgrown it or we've gotten tired of it...
We ended up getting more than we had planned to, but after Peeper decided that:
- He Had found the perfect place to produce a super diaper and, as usual there was no bathroom, so I had to change him in the stroller and, of course we had forgotten to bring trashbags. Nothing to do but to put the dirty diaper inside of another clean one and pretend that the smell must be coming from out dores...
- Next up, he thought he was about to die from starvation, even though I had fed him just 2 hours earlier and, screamed until I found a far away corner of the store where I could nurse him.
- He got a stomach ache when he started eating and, Kept protesting anyway, but cried even harder if I tried to take the nipple away from him...
- When He finally got done eating, he threw it all back up again.
The cascade barely missed one of the baby gyms on display...
After all that I just had to get him:
- a new bouncer
- a bumbo seat with a little table.
I hope it is as good for the baby's back and for teaching little ones to sit up as they say it is... - A new baby gym.
The first one we got has a bit of a strange design and, it's not very comfortable for him to lay in.
I would have gotten him a new sleepingbag for the stroller too, but since we'll be going back soon to get him a chair and a mobile for the crib, we decided to wait.
I'm looking forward to it already. Though I wouldn't mind it to be a little bit less eventful...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
a Birthday and an anniversary, all in one weekened
Yep, on the 9th me and B had 3 years together and, today Alex turns 14. I can't believe that. I know all parents say this, but time goes by so quickly. I wish I had a slow-down-button sometimes. But on the other hand I've often wished for a fast-forward-button as well and, time never behaves the way I want it to anyway.
In some ways it's convenient to have such a big kid around though and, even if much can be said about is attitude lately, his the sweetest of the sweetest when it comes to his brother. He is so very responsable and thoughtful that it's actually impressive. He even watched him for us on our anniversary, so that we could go out to dinner.
We only went to the Thai place up here, so that we could be home in a matter of minutes just in case, but Peeper fell asleep almost right after we left and sllept his way through the whole thing. I did good too, I only called to check on them once...
It was very unpretentious, but it was nice to dress up a little bit without having Peeper spit up on my dress right away and, to actually sit down and have a hot meal together without any interuptions for once.
We rarely eat together anymore, cause someone's always got to be with little Peeper. He never wants to be in the straller or the baby gym or anywhere but in somebody's arms around dinner time. Hopefully that'll get better when I get him the bumbo though. I'll just put it on the table, so that he can be right there with us when we eat. But he's gotta get a little bit better at holding up his head without support first.
It was the first time that we have been alone since our little rainbow was born and, it was nice to be able to sit around and talk and hold hands across the dinner table again. There's not much time for such things now. Though I think that is a lot harder on B than it is on me. I'm content with focusing on our little miracle for now, but I still feel like a lot of the tension that has been building up between us lately was erased by just spending that hour or so alone. That's all the time away from little Peeper I could deal with however... I had missed him so when we got home...
I hope Alex's birthday was what he wanted it to be. I ended up getting him the scateboard he wantded anyway. He might not use it much, but it seemed to make him happy, at least for the time being.
I regret that I couldn't come with to the bowling. It's way to loud over there to have a little baby around. Not like I do anything but sit around over there anyway, but I can at least cheer him on. It seemed like him and B had an alright time over there though and, he didn't seem to mind that I couldn't come with. He's old enough to understand why, but I don't want him to feel neglected because of little Peeps. Though thus far he's never given me any reason to believe that he feels that way, so it's just my own feeling of not being good enough.
I made him the taco pie that he wanted and he helped me make his birthdaycake. After that we watched a movie together while eating our master peace. He picked the movie of course. He's really got a thing for "Forest Gump" now. It's the third time we watchit I think. at least it wasn't family guy...
Before he went to bed, Alex gave me a big hug, told me that he loves me and, that I'm the best mom anyone could have. Though it may not be true, it makes me happy to see that my 14-year-old still can say such things without feeling that he's not cool enough. .
Happy birthday, you Pride of my heart!
In some ways it's convenient to have such a big kid around though and, even if much can be said about is attitude lately, his the sweetest of the sweetest when it comes to his brother. He is so very responsable and thoughtful that it's actually impressive. He even watched him for us on our anniversary, so that we could go out to dinner.
We only went to the Thai place up here, so that we could be home in a matter of minutes just in case, but Peeper fell asleep almost right after we left and sllept his way through the whole thing. I did good too, I only called to check on them once...
It was very unpretentious, but it was nice to dress up a little bit without having Peeper spit up on my dress right away and, to actually sit down and have a hot meal together without any interuptions for once.
We rarely eat together anymore, cause someone's always got to be with little Peeper. He never wants to be in the straller or the baby gym or anywhere but in somebody's arms around dinner time. Hopefully that'll get better when I get him the bumbo though. I'll just put it on the table, so that he can be right there with us when we eat. But he's gotta get a little bit better at holding up his head without support first.
It was the first time that we have been alone since our little rainbow was born and, it was nice to be able to sit around and talk and hold hands across the dinner table again. There's not much time for such things now. Though I think that is a lot harder on B than it is on me. I'm content with focusing on our little miracle for now, but I still feel like a lot of the tension that has been building up between us lately was erased by just spending that hour or so alone. That's all the time away from little Peeper I could deal with however... I had missed him so when we got home...
I hope Alex's birthday was what he wanted it to be. I ended up getting him the scateboard he wantded anyway. He might not use it much, but it seemed to make him happy, at least for the time being.
I regret that I couldn't come with to the bowling. It's way to loud over there to have a little baby around. Not like I do anything but sit around over there anyway, but I can at least cheer him on. It seemed like him and B had an alright time over there though and, he didn't seem to mind that I couldn't come with. He's old enough to understand why, but I don't want him to feel neglected because of little Peeps. Though thus far he's never given me any reason to believe that he feels that way, so it's just my own feeling of not being good enough.
I made him the taco pie that he wanted and he helped me make his birthdaycake. After that we watched a movie together while eating our master peace. He picked the movie of course. He's really got a thing for "Forest Gump" now. It's the third time we watchit I think. at least it wasn't family guy...
Before he went to bed, Alex gave me a big hug, told me that he loves me and, that I'm the best mom anyone could have. Though it may not be true, it makes me happy to see that my 14-year-old still can say such things without feeling that he's not cool enough. .
Happy birthday, you Pride of my heart!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Sister's reunion
Michelle and Chrissie came for a visit together today. I'm so glad they're talking again. Family get togethers are difficult enough without that adding to it.
They stayed all day and, time passed so quickly that Michelle couldn't come with to IKEA to get the new crib for peeper, which had been the original plan. Well, or my plan anyway, she and Chrissie just wanted to look around, but time got away from us and, she had to make sure that Victor got home before it got to late.
He is such a sweet kid, talking so well for his age. It's a joy to be around him. He's not afraid of me either even though we don't see each other that often. Other kids his age usually find it a bit disconcerting with my eyepatch.
Elias has grown a lot since I saw him last and, he has more hair than ever. He even accidentally pulls it himself and, Michelle has already had to cut it twice. I wish I had pictures, but we didn't take any this time, since Chrissie forgot the camera. I'll have to remember to remind her to bring it next time.
My second attempt at going somewhere without our little Peeper didn't work out much better than the first one.
Me and Chrissie went to IKEA to get the crib and, B called me after 5 minutes just to let me know that little Peeper was already crying. No. I'm not exaggerating... It was no more than 5 minutes...
It stressed me out and, I couldn't really enjoy the first time me and Chrissie have had alone in ages. I just felt like I had to hurry... Hurry... And get back home to my poor crying baby.
We went and got the crib and the other stuff we needed as quickly as we could, but it took almost an hour anyway. It is so huge there now and, not at all easy to find things.
When we got to the checkout, the credit card would not work. They said that this was quite common when one is using their self scanning so if we just went to the regular register it'd probably be fine.
They were right, and wrong. The charge went through, but now they required id and, it was B's credit card, which I'm thankful that they did not notice. I could get in all kinds of trouble for that, but they accepted that I had left my id in my other purse, which by the way was true. I did not have it...
Now, since I did not have ID, we had to go to a third place where they bought the items back so to speak and, than they had to put them back in the system, which took forever as, one was reading a control number for each item and another was putting the digits in her computer. Since I was on a time limit she of course also managed to get these confused a couple of times and, then she had to start over...
After that they tried again to let me buy the stuff using my pin, and again, it did not go through.. .
after spending an hour and a half at IKEA, at the verge of panic and, with my boobs growing by the second because my body is use to little Peeper eating every other hour.
I came home with nothing...
At least B an Alex went and got the new tub for him last week. It's been a while since he out grew the sink and, even though he likes the big tub, it was just killing my back.
I think I'll still let him bathe there occasionally, since all that freedom to move around as he pleases is good for him, but he seems to like having his own little tub as well so we'll just stick to that for the most part.
They stayed all day and, time passed so quickly that Michelle couldn't come with to IKEA to get the new crib for peeper, which had been the original plan. Well, or my plan anyway, she and Chrissie just wanted to look around, but time got away from us and, she had to make sure that Victor got home before it got to late.
He is such a sweet kid, talking so well for his age. It's a joy to be around him. He's not afraid of me either even though we don't see each other that often. Other kids his age usually find it a bit disconcerting with my eyepatch.
Elias has grown a lot since I saw him last and, he has more hair than ever. He even accidentally pulls it himself and, Michelle has already had to cut it twice. I wish I had pictures, but we didn't take any this time, since Chrissie forgot the camera. I'll have to remember to remind her to bring it next time.
My second attempt at going somewhere without our little Peeper didn't work out much better than the first one.
Me and Chrissie went to IKEA to get the crib and, B called me after 5 minutes just to let me know that little Peeper was already crying. No. I'm not exaggerating... It was no more than 5 minutes...
It stressed me out and, I couldn't really enjoy the first time me and Chrissie have had alone in ages. I just felt like I had to hurry... Hurry... And get back home to my poor crying baby.
We went and got the crib and the other stuff we needed as quickly as we could, but it took almost an hour anyway. It is so huge there now and, not at all easy to find things.
When we got to the checkout, the credit card would not work. They said that this was quite common when one is using their self scanning so if we just went to the regular register it'd probably be fine.
They were right, and wrong. The charge went through, but now they required id and, it was B's credit card, which I'm thankful that they did not notice. I could get in all kinds of trouble for that, but they accepted that I had left my id in my other purse, which by the way was true. I did not have it...
Now, since I did not have ID, we had to go to a third place where they bought the items back so to speak and, than they had to put them back in the system, which took forever as, one was reading a control number for each item and another was putting the digits in her computer. Since I was on a time limit she of course also managed to get these confused a couple of times and, then she had to start over...
After that they tried again to let me buy the stuff using my pin, and again, it did not go through.. .
after spending an hour and a half at IKEA, at the verge of panic and, with my boobs growing by the second because my body is use to little Peeper eating every other hour.
I came home with nothing...
At least B an Alex went and got the new tub for him last week. It's been a while since he out grew the sink and, even though he likes the big tub, it was just killing my back.
I think I'll still let him bathe there occasionally, since all that freedom to move around as he pleases is good for him, but he seems to like having his own little tub as well so we'll just stick to that for the most part.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
national visit our place week, a sunday down town and, My first afternoon without little Peeper
It's gotta be national visit our place week. Claudia's talking about coming over and, Even Mia came for a visit this past friday. I haven't seen her in years. Funny how time just goes by unnoticed sometimes. We use to hang out all the time, but then I got busy playing poker, and when I wasn't living my internet life, I was away playing tournaments or practicing for the next one.
Then I met B and, we keep to ourselves a lot. Part of the reason for that is that I've come to be one of those people who is perfectly content with just having my family around me. The other part of the reason is that most people find you boring if you hang out with them a friday night without drinking alcohol.
I think however that I started to avoid her during the time when I was trying to get my disability money sorted out. They refused to pay me at first so I had to appeal, which took almost a year and, while that was going on I could barely put food on the table. I don't know that she would have judged me, but we always went places when we hung out, the mall, coffee shops, restaurants, bars and it's difficult to tell people that you're so broke that you can't even aford a latte.
We had an an alright time, but it was a little awckward every now and then. Almost like we were strangers. We've gone years without seing each other before and, I've never felt like that. But perhaps we just need some time to get to know each other again.
Unfortunately I don't have any Photos here either, since there wasn't any sighted people around. There's not much point in me taking them, other than perhaps from a experimental perspective. They'd be some interesting looking pictures I tell ya.
Anyway, The next visit up was Krister of all people. He called me friday afternoon on his way back from Denmark and wanted to kill some time before he had to go pick Madeleine up at the station in Hässleholm. They're going to her cousins wedding this weekend, so she was taking the train from Stockholm.
He and his guide hung out over here for a couple of hours and gossiped about the sports world.
He wants me to go to the netherlands in the beginning of october, but I've decided that it's to early. I'm still breastfeeding and it would just be an ordeal to use a pump between games. And such a waste to throw away all that milk..
. I don't want to be away from my little rainbow yet anyway. He's way to little in my opinion and I could never deal with it. Considering how scared I am that something will happen to him even when I'm here, I'd likely be a nervous wreck after a few hours away from home.
The only reason I even considered it for a second was that it'd be good for B, since he'd be forced to take his responsibility when it comes to little peeper.
It's not that he doesn't want to, but he's so easily discouraged and, it's always so very easy to give little Peeper to me every time his crying instead of trying to calm him down.
So what's new in the sports world?
Well people are crazy as usual. Claudio had sex with Elvira at european top 12, even though everybody told him to leave her alone. She's 19, so it's not against the law, but it should be, cause she acts and thinks like she's 13 or so. She didn't need him to take advantage of her, but I guess it was to be expected.
Apparently he acted like a bastard as usual. He went chasing after Steine all day, then he used Elvira at night and, the next day he went chasing after Steine again. Elvira was of course in love with him so he really hurt her. All this, just one week after that incident when he refused to leave my hotelroom because he loved me so much mind you...
. Unfortunately he hurt her physically as well. Turns out that she thinks that phone sex will be the only solution for her, so that it won't be painful. The whole situation is just rediculous...
I'm glad I won't be playing for a while. I'll however start attending Zumba classes every week, that is, if we decide to continue. It depends on if they manage to instruct a bunch of blind people in a constructive way or not. Claudia's gonna be there and Mia too. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to getting at least one good workout a week. Having friends there will be a bonus.
I haven't even tried to start working out at home yet. It would never work. At least not if I judge by the 2 attempts I've made at doing something without bringing Peeper along.
Me and alex went down town this past monday. I had to go to the bank and, after that we went to get some clothes for our little miracle. all of us tried to go sunday, but everything was closed. I don't know when they changed that, I thought the stores were suppose to be open the first sunday every month.
Either way the weather was nice and we had an alright time just walking around down town.
Me and Alex had a good time looking around on our own and, he was really being helpful picking out clothes for Peeper and B. I feel like I'm constantly neglecting him now that Peeper's taking up so much of my time, so I really enjoyed being alone with him for once. We got about an hour in before B called me because little Peeper was awake and wanted his mommy.
We left as soon as we could, though we had to wait a while to get to the checkout. When we got to the bus stop, we had of course just missed the buss, but we ran down to the station and caught the 22 instead but, it still took me about 30 minutes to get home.
B called me again after about 20 and, little Peeper was crying and crying in the background and, it was just a very stressful situation. It made me feel so powerless and useless for not being there to comfort him. It was hard for me to deal with. I almost paniked. More over, there was no point in it, he should know that I would get home as soon as I possibly could and, calling me to let me hear Peeper crying wasn't going to speed up the process. We all need to get some practice with this.., but at least things run smoothly for the most part..
Then I met B and, we keep to ourselves a lot. Part of the reason for that is that I've come to be one of those people who is perfectly content with just having my family around me. The other part of the reason is that most people find you boring if you hang out with them a friday night without drinking alcohol.
I think however that I started to avoid her during the time when I was trying to get my disability money sorted out. They refused to pay me at first so I had to appeal, which took almost a year and, while that was going on I could barely put food on the table. I don't know that she would have judged me, but we always went places when we hung out, the mall, coffee shops, restaurants, bars and it's difficult to tell people that you're so broke that you can't even aford a latte.
We had an an alright time, but it was a little awckward every now and then. Almost like we were strangers. We've gone years without seing each other before and, I've never felt like that. But perhaps we just need some time to get to know each other again.
Unfortunately I don't have any Photos here either, since there wasn't any sighted people around. There's not much point in me taking them, other than perhaps from a experimental perspective. They'd be some interesting looking pictures I tell ya.
Anyway, The next visit up was Krister of all people. He called me friday afternoon on his way back from Denmark and wanted to kill some time before he had to go pick Madeleine up at the station in Hässleholm. They're going to her cousins wedding this weekend, so she was taking the train from Stockholm.
He and his guide hung out over here for a couple of hours and gossiped about the sports world.
He wants me to go to the netherlands in the beginning of october, but I've decided that it's to early. I'm still breastfeeding and it would just be an ordeal to use a pump between games. And such a waste to throw away all that milk..
. I don't want to be away from my little rainbow yet anyway. He's way to little in my opinion and I could never deal with it. Considering how scared I am that something will happen to him even when I'm here, I'd likely be a nervous wreck after a few hours away from home.
The only reason I even considered it for a second was that it'd be good for B, since he'd be forced to take his responsibility when it comes to little peeper.
It's not that he doesn't want to, but he's so easily discouraged and, it's always so very easy to give little Peeper to me every time his crying instead of trying to calm him down.
So what's new in the sports world?
Well people are crazy as usual. Claudio had sex with Elvira at european top 12, even though everybody told him to leave her alone. She's 19, so it's not against the law, but it should be, cause she acts and thinks like she's 13 or so. She didn't need him to take advantage of her, but I guess it was to be expected.
Apparently he acted like a bastard as usual. He went chasing after Steine all day, then he used Elvira at night and, the next day he went chasing after Steine again. Elvira was of course in love with him so he really hurt her. All this, just one week after that incident when he refused to leave my hotelroom because he loved me so much mind you...
. Unfortunately he hurt her physically as well. Turns out that she thinks that phone sex will be the only solution for her, so that it won't be painful. The whole situation is just rediculous...
I'm glad I won't be playing for a while. I'll however start attending Zumba classes every week, that is, if we decide to continue. It depends on if they manage to instruct a bunch of blind people in a constructive way or not. Claudia's gonna be there and Mia too. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to getting at least one good workout a week. Having friends there will be a bonus.
I haven't even tried to start working out at home yet. It would never work. At least not if I judge by the 2 attempts I've made at doing something without bringing Peeper along.
Me and alex went down town this past monday. I had to go to the bank and, after that we went to get some clothes for our little miracle. all of us tried to go sunday, but everything was closed. I don't know when they changed that, I thought the stores were suppose to be open the first sunday every month.
Either way the weather was nice and we had an alright time just walking around down town.
Me and Alex had a good time looking around on our own and, he was really being helpful picking out clothes for Peeper and B. I feel like I'm constantly neglecting him now that Peeper's taking up so much of my time, so I really enjoyed being alone with him for once. We got about an hour in before B called me because little Peeper was awake and wanted his mommy.
We left as soon as we could, though we had to wait a while to get to the checkout. When we got to the bus stop, we had of course just missed the buss, but we ran down to the station and caught the 22 instead but, it still took me about 30 minutes to get home.
B called me again after about 20 and, little Peeper was crying and crying in the background and, it was just a very stressful situation. It made me feel so powerless and useless for not being there to comfort him. It was hard for me to deal with. I almost paniked. More over, there was no point in it, he should know that I would get home as soon as I possibly could and, calling me to let me hear Peeper crying wasn't going to speed up the process. We all need to get some practice with this.., but at least things run smoothly for the most part..
Sunday, August 21, 2011
two steps forward, one step back
B and Alex are both back in school now, which of course means that I have our little rainbow all to myself a lot. It really hasn't changed much of our dayly routine, as he only wants to be with mommy anyway. He still screams most of the time if B tries to take him, so with the exception of the dyper changes and, the fact that it's easier to clean up a mess after he throws up when there's 2 of us, I barely notice the difference.
Nah, that was unfair, I do miss both Alex and B, I've gotten use to having them around, but it's got it's advantages too.
Little Peeper's been sleeping a little bit in his cradle now, which is good, cause I'm trying to make this new program accessible, so I've been able to work a little bit. Never for long though, cause every time he sleeps anywhere but in my arms it's like he's gotta make up for it, so then he cries as soon as I even dare to so much as think of putting him down for a minute. But I'm sure I'll be done with the scripts some time this sentury..
I don't mean to complain. We have such wonderful times together especially now that he's becoming more interactive. We're having little conversations now,particularly when he's in the baby gym; He really likes that.
The music playing cat is his favorite.
Another thing he likes is when I sing the songs with hand motions and I'm making them with his little hands. Sometimes it's like he remembers them and is trying to help, but that may just be my own imagination.
His little tummy is still giving him a hard time, so he cries a lot at night still, but it seems like massage helps him a little bit at least, so that's something to be grateful for.
I don't know how B's gonna be able to deal with going to school on very little, broken up sleep, he's not in a good spot right now anyway. I guess being a parent wasn't what he thought it would be...
I do try to keep in mind how hard it would be for me if this little miracle didn't want me to hold him, but that's no excuse for giving up. There's never an excuse for that.
I realise that he's suffering from depression, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with him when he gets mad all the time for no reason. He's behaving a lot like when he's drinking. With other words like a cranky teenager and, 2 boys that's just now reaching puberty is a bit much. At least Alex is really 14, not just acting like it...
Nah, that was unfair, I do miss both Alex and B, I've gotten use to having them around, but it's got it's advantages too.
Little Peeper's been sleeping a little bit in his cradle now, which is good, cause I'm trying to make this new program accessible, so I've been able to work a little bit. Never for long though, cause every time he sleeps anywhere but in my arms it's like he's gotta make up for it, so then he cries as soon as I even dare to so much as think of putting him down for a minute. But I'm sure I'll be done with the scripts some time this sentury..
I don't mean to complain. We have such wonderful times together especially now that he's becoming more interactive. We're having little conversations now,particularly when he's in the baby gym; He really likes that.
The music playing cat is his favorite.
Another thing he likes is when I sing the songs with hand motions and I'm making them with his little hands. Sometimes it's like he remembers them and is trying to help, but that may just be my own imagination.
His little tummy is still giving him a hard time, so he cries a lot at night still, but it seems like massage helps him a little bit at least, so that's something to be grateful for.
I don't know how B's gonna be able to deal with going to school on very little, broken up sleep, he's not in a good spot right now anyway. I guess being a parent wasn't what he thought it would be...
I do try to keep in mind how hard it would be for me if this little miracle didn't want me to hold him, but that's no excuse for giving up. There's never an excuse for that.
I realise that he's suffering from depression, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with him when he gets mad all the time for no reason. He's behaving a lot like when he's drinking. With other words like a cranky teenager and, 2 boys that's just now reaching puberty is a bit much. At least Alex is really 14, not just acting like it...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Never enough minutes in the day, but a healthy baby at least :)
It's been a while since I had the time to sit down to write a post on here. little Peeper still feels that he needs to eat every 2 hours or so and, sometimes it's even more often than that. But at least he has days when he'll sleep a little bit more and when he'll even allow me to put him down for a nap in the cradle or straller.
For the most part however, he just wants me to nurse him and, he wakes up just as soon as I move just a little bit. Now if he realises that he's dropped the nipple at those times all hell breaks lose. He'll cry if I don't nurse him, and he'll cry if I do, probably cause he's been eating too much and his little tummy hurts.
Going for walks use to be great for getting him to sleep, but now he just wants me to carry him even when we're out dores.
Everybody's trying to tell me that a pacifier would solve our problem, but he doesn't want one. He sucked his thumb from time to time during the first couple of weeks, but it doesn't happen very often now.
I've been trying to help him out by holding the pacifier in his mouth for a while, since I figure it takes a different kind of technique than when he suckles. On a few occasions it has actually worked, but then it's like he realises what's going on and he won't take it again after that. He'll either just keep spitting it out, or he'll get mad. Well and when he gets mad he Screams with a capital s, Or lets just capitalize the whole word, he SCREAMS!
It sounds like we're trying to murder him at the least, which pretty much rules out the other advice I've been given to deal with the situation. I can't try to draw it out and make him wait for about 3 hours between meals. I promise you that my neighbours will report me for child abuse if I don't nurse him when he wants me to, cause he just will not stop crying.
I know from the times when we've been forced to wait. Like when T came for a visit, which by the way was a good time in spite of the trials and tribulations of our poor little baby dealing with colich at night. .
I could have done without the hours it took to pick him up at the station however. That definitely falls under the category "trials and tribulations" as well.
Peeper woke up hungry as soon as we got to the station and it wouldn't have been a problem, but the train was of course late. I figured we could just go have a little something at Expresso house and I could nurse him in there, but they close at 8 PM, so we had to get up and leave before he was done eating. T's train got there right around that time, but we had just missed the bus, so we had to stand around for about 20 minutes and wait for the next one. Then it's another 20 minutes to get home.
I always feel like people are staring extra at me in those situations too, since I'm blind you know and, in fact I'm sure they do. I hate it! I've almost given up on going places for that reason, cause now that Peeper cries so much, he gives them even more reason to look at me and wonder what that blind woman's doing with a baby.
I fear I'm about to just lose it the next time some well meaning, exceedingly stupid individual walks up to Alex and tells him that they're so impressed with him now that he's obviously taking care of both his poor, blind parents and a baby.
When it doesn't make me wanna tell them something exceptionally rude, which i admit is most of the time, It always makes me wanna tell them that they're exactly right. He's such a miracle kid really! You know he use to push himself around in the straller, change his own dypers, dress and, feed himself when he was little. Hell when he was 3 weeks old he was already leading his poor helpless blind mother around. Seriously; who do they figure took care of him?! It's doubtful that they'd pick up on the irony though...
Anyway, I haven't slept much lately, as I'm sure you can tell. After I got the carrying shawl things got a little bit better for a while. They didn't have the one they recommended at the nicu, but Aldoria Bambu Soft works just as well as that one. I even got a chance to work a little bit on the new poker scripts and write a couple of artickles. He was content when he could be that close to me all the time. I can nurse him without taking it off and, we can be skin to skin. We can still do that, but he's getting so big now that I can't really be on the computer when I have him in the shawl anymore. We just can't sit confortably. It's still great for carrying him though.
We even got a chance to go to the Helsingborg festival and, Even though there were indians, mexicans, and sweeds for that matter, playing live music along the way, Not to mention thousands of people talking everywhere, he just slept through it all.
we were walking around down town looking at things for quite a while and, we even stopped to buy some things, but he didn't even stirr. that is, until he got hungry... Unfortunately, there were so many people everywhere, that I couldn't find a place to sit down and feed him, so we had to wait until we got home . He cried all the way and I swear I could feel my hair turning more and more grey for every second he had to wait. No more festibals for us for a while...
I know that this is partually my own fault. I should probably have been more persistent when it comes to making him sleep on his own. But during those first weeks in the hospital and, later when he had that terible cold, I just wanted to give him as much skin to skin time as possible, so that he'd want to stay with us. I felt as if I would die if he did, and I just wanted to hold him and squeeze him and never let him go.
I can spend hours admiring him, being mesmerized by his perfection. His velvety soft hair, which feels almost like a peach. His perfect little ears. His little baby feet which have a skin so soft i just wanna kiss them. They tell me he has beautiful dark blue eyes. I wish I could see them.
There was never any immediat danger of him dying, but I was just so afraid to lose him. I still am. It makes me cry sometimes. I can't help it. Having him makes me so happy and, I'm so scared that it's gonna be a trick of some kind, though by who I'm not quite sure. But sometimes it feels like I'm just waiting for something to happen that'll take him away from me.
All tests have turned out well in the end though.
He failed the third hearing test as well, so the audiologist had to give him one where she put little electrods on his head to measure the responses from his brain when she played sounds in he's ears. It proved what I knew all along though; there's nothing wrong with his hearing. Though I'll admit that there were short periods when I was freaking out, cause wouldn't it be the hight of irony for the blind parents to have a def son. And how would we communicate... There are ways of course, but it's a life I'm glad he doesn't have to face.
The most important test, well or check-up I guess, did however take place at the eye department and, there's no signs of retinoblastoma, the eyecancer that made me blind.
There's not suppose to be any heridity in my case, since the gene mutation that causes it doesn't run in my family, but I understand that the risk of passing it on is higher if one's had the cancer in both eyes. In families where several members has had the retinoblastoma there's a 50 % chance of the children carrying the mutation that could develop the tumors in the retina.
I had some genetic testing done when I was 12, where blood samples were sent to the U.S, and, the doctor said that I would not have to worry about my children getting it, but later another doctor told me that there was no such test that could say with any certainty.
The children who have the mutation generally develop the cancer before the age of 6, but they're most commonly diagnosed between 1 and 2 years old. As long as they catch it early, almost all can be cured, but if the cancer gets a chance it can spread to the brain, bones and lungs.
I'm not taking any chances, so I'm having them check little Peeper every year until he's 8 years old, just like they did with Alex. Just to be on the safe side...
To end this super long post on a funny note:
Little Peeper even allowed T to hold him for a while. Things were going so well in fact that I figured I could leave them for a minute and use the restroom. It dodn't take but 20 seconds before I heard a howl from T, followed by another one from little Peeper. The little one had find the perfect time to blow up his diaper. I'm still not sure who was most horrified after that insident, but I suspect that Peeper may have second thoughts next time T wants to hold him. That is, if he can be persuaded to do so...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
First meeting with grandma and uncle Benji
My mom and Benji are here. I haven't seen them since last christmas. It's so nice to see them again! I didn't even know Benji was coming with. He's really turning out to be such a nice yung man. He got himself a job and, passed the tests to recieve his drivers licence not that long ago. I was worried about him when he dropped out of highschool, and it was such a waste too, cause he's a really smart kid. He reads a lot and, watches a lot of documentaries and, he's actually managed to survive the uncertainties of his childhood and come out of it with good values. He's one of the few 20-year-olds that you can actually have a interesting conversation with. It seems like he's getting his life together now. I'm so proud of him! I'll have to get him to hold little Peeper tomorrow so we can get some pictures. He doesn't like babies he says, they're so fragile and, he's afraid of hurting them. But Peeper is: cuter than he thought he would be, as newborns generally aren't very pretty, hehehehe. That's something Chrisse could have said back in the day.
It's so nice to see my mom too, but sad at the same time. Not just because I always have to watch myself so as not to let her get to close, but also because she's getting so old and tired. Still she's better than she's been in years, so I'm happy for her.
She wants to stay for at least 3 days as long as we're alright with that and, then she's going on to Michelle's to see little Elias and the other grandkids as well of course.
She's here to give my uncles dog back to him. She's been watching him while Rune was in Thailand. I'm so glad he can still travel like that. He'll be leaving soon again to go over there for 3 months. He's always been a restless soul. I think I have that after him. If I was sighted I would travel all the time.
It's a long time to be away when you have to leave a little dog behind, but it'll be good for my mom to watch him now that she has lost all 3 of hers so swiftly after one another. First vicky, with her inflamed uterus, then Molly who died of old age, and now Kela to diabetes just a week ago.
Strange, but Benji told me that Sebbe didn't even come home although it was his dog from the start, but he and Emelie left titti's place earlier to be able to go home and see her before she had to be put to sleep. He's been wierd over all lately though. He stayed with Michelle for a while to get away from home, but couldn't get enything going neither with work, school nor apartment. He's dad offered to set him up in Lanskrona, but he doesn't want to move there. I think it's stupid to say no, Johan can't be trusted and, there's still a lot to forgive, but you can't really say no to a job and an apartment these days. Either way he ended up calling Chrisse and telling her some story about not being welcome at Michelle's and not having enough money to eat and all kinds of bullshit, so Chrisse bought him a ticket to go back home. Turns out Michelle was expecting him the nenxt day though and he just never showed up and, if he didn't have anything to eat it was because he's been partying his ass off since he got there. Hmm this family of mine is so wierd...
But I guess I am kind of wierd too. Especially now since I quit the medicin to be able to brest feed this little miracle. I feel like I'm crying inside all the time. Though I know I have no reason to. I have the 2 most wonderful kids in the world and, I have B here with me still in spite of everything that we had to go through to get here. Though sometimes I still wonder if the wounds will ever heal and, if we'll ever regain the trust. At other times I wonder if it matters. Our life is plesent for the most part. We know how to take care of each other as long as we're together and, little Peeper Is the most wonderful proof of our love that anyone could ask for. Sure it's hard to never get enough sleep. There are nights when I don't even get an hour. Good thing I'm use to that from my days as a student. But I could really do with 6 hours of uninterupted sleep, as I'm getting too tired eeven to enjoy that Chrissie and her fiance and my dad are coming over tomorrow. But Peeper's terrible cold is still dragging on, so I'll Probably be sitting up with him for the most part as usual.
I wish he would hurry up and get well, so I could relax a little bit. I'm so afraid to lose him. So very afraid. Just the thought of it makes me cry sometimes.
It's so nice to see my mom too, but sad at the same time. Not just because I always have to watch myself so as not to let her get to close, but also because she's getting so old and tired. Still she's better than she's been in years, so I'm happy for her.
She wants to stay for at least 3 days as long as we're alright with that and, then she's going on to Michelle's to see little Elias and the other grandkids as well of course.
She's here to give my uncles dog back to him. She's been watching him while Rune was in Thailand. I'm so glad he can still travel like that. He'll be leaving soon again to go over there for 3 months. He's always been a restless soul. I think I have that after him. If I was sighted I would travel all the time.
It's a long time to be away when you have to leave a little dog behind, but it'll be good for my mom to watch him now that she has lost all 3 of hers so swiftly after one another. First vicky, with her inflamed uterus, then Molly who died of old age, and now Kela to diabetes just a week ago.
Strange, but Benji told me that Sebbe didn't even come home although it was his dog from the start, but he and Emelie left titti's place earlier to be able to go home and see her before she had to be put to sleep. He's been wierd over all lately though. He stayed with Michelle for a while to get away from home, but couldn't get enything going neither with work, school nor apartment. He's dad offered to set him up in Lanskrona, but he doesn't want to move there. I think it's stupid to say no, Johan can't be trusted and, there's still a lot to forgive, but you can't really say no to a job and an apartment these days. Either way he ended up calling Chrisse and telling her some story about not being welcome at Michelle's and not having enough money to eat and all kinds of bullshit, so Chrisse bought him a ticket to go back home. Turns out Michelle was expecting him the nenxt day though and he just never showed up and, if he didn't have anything to eat it was because he's been partying his ass off since he got there. Hmm this family of mine is so wierd...
But I guess I am kind of wierd too. Especially now since I quit the medicin to be able to brest feed this little miracle. I feel like I'm crying inside all the time. Though I know I have no reason to. I have the 2 most wonderful kids in the world and, I have B here with me still in spite of everything that we had to go through to get here. Though sometimes I still wonder if the wounds will ever heal and, if we'll ever regain the trust. At other times I wonder if it matters. Our life is plesent for the most part. We know how to take care of each other as long as we're together and, little Peeper Is the most wonderful proof of our love that anyone could ask for. Sure it's hard to never get enough sleep. There are nights when I don't even get an hour. Good thing I'm use to that from my days as a student. But I could really do with 6 hours of uninterupted sleep, as I'm getting too tired eeven to enjoy that Chrissie and her fiance and my dad are coming over tomorrow. But Peeper's terrible cold is still dragging on, so I'll Probably be sitting up with him for the most part as usual.
I wish he would hurry up and get well, so I could relax a little bit. I'm so afraid to lose him. So very afraid. Just the thought of it makes me cry sometimes.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Colds, cousins and , family issues
Poor little Peeper has had a cold for 3 weeks now. We've been to the doctor twice, but there's nothing they can do. We'll just have to wait it out. The virus hasn't atacked his lungs and, he doesn't have a fever and, it seems like he has managed to dudge Zander's strep throat as well somehow. I'm ever so grateful for that, but he's so very congested that it's almost impossible to lay him down for more than a few minutes at a time. Accept when we go out dores, as the fresh air seems to help him.
The problem with that is that it's been so very warm lateley that we've had to wait until night time to go for walks with him. It just seems idiotic to take him outside when it's 30 degrees out there. He'll get dehydrated in no time, besides, the heat will only make him even more congested and, laying down in the stroller is bad enough.
I barely get any sleep at all, as I'm sitting up with him all night to make sure that he can brieve alright. B is sitting up with him too of course, but it's very hard to wake him up these days. I've never known him to sleep like that, he doesn't even hear me when I raise my voice, I have to shake him to get a respons and, sometimes not even that is enough.
I'm not sure it makes that big of a difference though, since peeper has decided that he is mommy's little baby and, it seems like the others are getting to hold him less and less often. More over, when they try anyway, he's screaming bloody murder most of the time, unless he's just gotten done eating, but it seems like that's the only time he'll allow anyone else to hold him..
I do whish B would hear me when I need his help though. As it is now Alex wakes up and gets up to help me and, that just doesn't feel right. It's only been a couple of times, I don't need help that often, but another pair of hands always makes it easier when he has thrown up all over both of us for example.
It'll probably get better now that we're not sick anymore however. We thought we had gotten Alex's germs, but if we did we're not needing any penicillin to get rid of them. I suppose the fever was so bad it killed them all. Mine didn't last as long as B's and, that's another thing to be grateful for since I don't know if this little miracle of mine would be able to eat if the milk was all hot. We're still not fit for fight, especially not Peeper like I said, but Michelle wanted to come over anyway. She figured her kids bring home so many germs from daycare that they wouldn't even notice a few extra from us.
I'm glad she came, but I hope they don't get sick. I tried to plan a picnic so that we could be out dores somewhere so we could avoid passing this on to them or, pick something up from them for that matter. But it was of course poring out there when they got here, so we quickly had to turn it all into an in dore picnic in stead.
Ah well at least Michelle got to hold Joshua without a problem, now that they finally got the chance to come for a visit, but she sounds a lot like me, so perhaps that's why he didn't have any complaints.
It was nice to se her and her little family again. The kids are getting so big now. I can't believe that Anton is gonna start school already. And Victor is 2 years old. Seems like he was a little baby just yesterday.
Look at Elias; he is huge compared to are little treasure! It's hard to believe that he's only a month older, but you'd think it was 6 months when you see them next too each other. It is of course a combination of Peeper being small for his age and Elias being big for his age, but 7 kg and 59 cm really doesn't sound like a 10 weeks old baby. Then again, nor does 3800 g and 51 cm sound like a baby of 6 weeks, so go figure....
Either way it's lucky for us that Elias is bigger, cause Michelle was able to bring a lot of clothes for our little one, that Elias has outgrown already.
I really hope Claudia will be able to find someone who still hasn't sold their car seat, so that we can go to Elias's baptism on the 30 of July. We'll probably be the only ones from her side of the family and, someone's gotta be there. I don't like Martin's family, they're a bunch of racist ignoramuses, but she'll be so sad if nobody from our side shows up. I don't know to blaim her. I guess Robert had called her and was talking about coming, but he was drunk, so you never know with that. Our dad lives close enough, but he never has the money to go anywhere and, Chrissie and her fiance will be away on vacation. Titti doesn't have the money to pay for the trip over here and, it's time for her son to go to his dad on that sunday anyway and, he'll never agree to switching days. My mom is probably too sick to go still, even if she's been talking about coming over here next week. I don't know that I believe she'll show up though. The boys almost never go to anything if she doesn't. But they're barely talking anyway, they're always into it now because of that stupid house. Don't ever take out such a huige loan for someone else people, not even your mothers, especially not if your brother has to co sign for half the sum for it to go through. it'll only cause problems. Not that the house was expensive, but a couple hundrad thousand crowns is still a lot of money and, it's definitely proved to be cause enough for several fights between the 3 of them now that Michelle wants to sell the house. It's a sad piece of business, the whole thing...
The problem with that is that it's been so very warm lateley that we've had to wait until night time to go for walks with him. It just seems idiotic to take him outside when it's 30 degrees out there. He'll get dehydrated in no time, besides, the heat will only make him even more congested and, laying down in the stroller is bad enough.
I barely get any sleep at all, as I'm sitting up with him all night to make sure that he can brieve alright. B is sitting up with him too of course, but it's very hard to wake him up these days. I've never known him to sleep like that, he doesn't even hear me when I raise my voice, I have to shake him to get a respons and, sometimes not even that is enough.
I'm not sure it makes that big of a difference though, since peeper has decided that he is mommy's little baby and, it seems like the others are getting to hold him less and less often. More over, when they try anyway, he's screaming bloody murder most of the time, unless he's just gotten done eating, but it seems like that's the only time he'll allow anyone else to hold him..
I do whish B would hear me when I need his help though. As it is now Alex wakes up and gets up to help me and, that just doesn't feel right. It's only been a couple of times, I don't need help that often, but another pair of hands always makes it easier when he has thrown up all over both of us for example.
It'll probably get better now that we're not sick anymore however. We thought we had gotten Alex's germs, but if we did we're not needing any penicillin to get rid of them. I suppose the fever was so bad it killed them all. Mine didn't last as long as B's and, that's another thing to be grateful for since I don't know if this little miracle of mine would be able to eat if the milk was all hot. We're still not fit for fight, especially not Peeper like I said, but Michelle wanted to come over anyway. She figured her kids bring home so many germs from daycare that they wouldn't even notice a few extra from us.
I'm glad she came, but I hope they don't get sick. I tried to plan a picnic so that we could be out dores somewhere so we could avoid passing this on to them or, pick something up from them for that matter. But it was of course poring out there when they got here, so we quickly had to turn it all into an in dore picnic in stead.
Ah well at least Michelle got to hold Joshua without a problem, now that they finally got the chance to come for a visit, but she sounds a lot like me, so perhaps that's why he didn't have any complaints.
It was nice to se her and her little family again. The kids are getting so big now. I can't believe that Anton is gonna start school already. And Victor is 2 years old. Seems like he was a little baby just yesterday.
Look at Elias; he is huge compared to are little treasure! It's hard to believe that he's only a month older, but you'd think it was 6 months when you see them next too each other. It is of course a combination of Peeper being small for his age and Elias being big for his age, but 7 kg and 59 cm really doesn't sound like a 10 weeks old baby. Then again, nor does 3800 g and 51 cm sound like a baby of 6 weeks, so go figure....
Either way it's lucky for us that Elias is bigger, cause Michelle was able to bring a lot of clothes for our little one, that Elias has outgrown already.
I really hope Claudia will be able to find someone who still hasn't sold their car seat, so that we can go to Elias's baptism on the 30 of July. We'll probably be the only ones from her side of the family and, someone's gotta be there. I don't like Martin's family, they're a bunch of racist ignoramuses, but she'll be so sad if nobody from our side shows up. I don't know to blaim her. I guess Robert had called her and was talking about coming, but he was drunk, so you never know with that. Our dad lives close enough, but he never has the money to go anywhere and, Chrissie and her fiance will be away on vacation. Titti doesn't have the money to pay for the trip over here and, it's time for her son to go to his dad on that sunday anyway and, he'll never agree to switching days. My mom is probably too sick to go still, even if she's been talking about coming over here next week. I don't know that I believe she'll show up though. The boys almost never go to anything if she doesn't. But they're barely talking anyway, they're always into it now because of that stupid house. Don't ever take out such a huige loan for someone else people, not even your mothers, especially not if your brother has to co sign for half the sum for it to go through. it'll only cause problems. Not that the house was expensive, but a couple hundrad thousand crowns is still a lot of money and, it's definitely proved to be cause enough for several fights between the 3 of them now that Michelle wants to sell the house. It's a sad piece of business, the whole thing...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
27 days of happyness
Our little miracle is here!
3100 grams and 49 cm today.
He's got 3 beautiful names, but he makes the cutest little peeping sound you could possibly imagine, so on here, I think we'll be going with little Peeper for now. I'm sure there'll be other suitable nicknames along the way.
Which means that he has gained 200 Grams since last week.
Actually the c-section was planned for today, but he's been with us for 27 days already, as he was in a little bit of a hurry to join us.
We had to stay in the hospital until he got strong enough to eat. They released us on the 9th this month, but I just haven't had the time to write, since this little one wants to eat every other hour. He's so very little still that I figure I'll just let him eat when ever he wants to. Routine can come later.
He wasn't small for his age, but he dropped to 2320 grams before it finally turned around and he started to gain weight again.
They let us go home on sunday the6 of june and, he was up to 2460 grams that day. 2 days later they came to our house to weigh him, and he had gained 110 grams in that time. Before that it had been a slow climb on the scale with 40 grams every other day, but it was the same with Alex when we got to take him home. It's just better for everybody to be in a relaxed environment.
They made a mistake when they released him, cause the doctor was suppose to do a final physical before we left, but there was some kind of misunderstanding, so he thought it had been done already. But instead of making us come back in, they had the doctor come to our house and examine him. Being blind's got it's advantages some times, cause I doubt that they would have done that for just anybody.
Normally I would have said no, but as it was I really apriciated not having to go back in right away. Though we had to go to the audiologist that thursday anyway, for a second hearing test, which he by the way failed as well, so I guess it really didn't matter...
I try not to worry about the test though. They say that it's very likely that it's because he's premature and he's ear canals aren't big enough for the test to work properly.
All in all it has been a wonderful experience.
Not just finally getting to hold this little miracle in my arms, but everything, even the c-section, which really wasn't anything to worry about at all. The only scary part was that my blood pressure decided to drop during the procedure, but all that really happened was that I thought I was gonna pass out there for a couple of minutes. I never did though and, they got it under control pretty quickly.
I was awake during the whole thing and, B was write there with me the whole time. Well at least until they had let both of us feel him.
They never put him on my chest though. I was kind of puzzled at that, but I never got around to asking them why. They let Brandon feel him first and then they held him so that I could touch him too. They didn't tell us what sex he was, but waited for us to figure it out. Some kind of policy they've got I think, cause it was the same when I had Alex.
After that Brandon went with them while they put him in an incubator and took himover to the premature department. He had a bit of fluid in his lungs, so he was in a c-pap for about 10 minutes, but when I got there he was already better and, didn't need it any more. He had a little bit of trouble and, was making a kind of crying noise every time he was exhaling, but everything was normal after just a few hours.
He didn't need the incubator either, just a water matris with heat, to help him stay warm and, a tube for feeding, since he was to week to eat very much on his own. He's almost never in his bed though, I just let him sleep in my arms.
That closeness is so very important for these little ones and, I don't wanna put him down for a minute anyway. Sometimes I feel like I don't even let B hold him enough, cause it's so hard for me to let him go, but he gets the chance every once in a while at least.
But I suppose I should take it from the beginning here.
My water broke around 10 or so, but I wasn't even entirely sure if that was it at first. B called me from school, he always did around that time, when he was on a break. I almost didn't even tell him about it, cause for the most part, as long as I didn't move around a lot, it was just like a slow dripping.
B came home as soon as he could and, I called the hospital and they said that if it wasn't for that I was scheduled for a c-section already, they'd make me wait until the contractions got worse, but as it was I should come in, but I didn't need to hurry. So then I had B go get a bottle and, some formula, just in case they wouldn't provide us with that, which turned out to be silly, cause now I'm brestfeeding after all. How could I not, when he was so little and needed every bit of strength I could provide him with.
I haven't regreted it for one minute, except sometimes when it's really obvious that B feels left out.
I had to pump a lot in the beginning, since he was to weak to eat very much at a time. I'm not having any problems at all though, it doesn't hurt and, I've got plenty of milk and, I just wish I would have been smart enough to try it with Alex, instead of listening to Helene and Gittan, who both told me that it was painful and, really only made you feel very insecure, since you couldn't tell if the baby was eating enough, Plus you'd have to do all the work while your partner was snoring away. i guess it probably wouldn't have worked back then, cause I could never have survived quitting the medicin. But I still wish things could have been different.
That part about snoring away has turned out to be true, it is almost impossible to wake B up at night, so I definitely do more, but I don't mind that much now that he's spending more time with us during the day. Even if he just sits here with me when I'm feeding our little one, it makes him a part of it and, that is very important. I'm gonna try to use the pump more, so that he can feed him too.
Anyway, I think I went back a bit too far now, as that was way before..
It was around 1:30 pm when we got to the hospital, we waited for a little while and then they hooked me up to a monitar and, the baby was doing just fine.
There was someone else ahead of me who wouldn't be able to wait, so They gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I figured it'd be a couple of hours at least and, it seemed like the midwife thought so as well, cause she went and got B something to eat and everything. I was pretty hungry by then too, cause me and B had gotten in to this routine where we'd go get something from the bakery when he got back from school, lunch for him, but breakfast for me, but knowing that I had a c-section in a not too distant future I of course had to pass, so no food for me since dinner the night before. I told them I had eaten at 8 that morning though. I knew it'd be enough for them to hook me up to the IV, but not enough for them to freak out.
Anyway, as soon as B had gotten his food, the doctor came back and told us that since the contractions hadn't stopped we could go down to the operating room right away, they were ready and waiting for us. Honestly my contractions were no worse than they had been for the last 3 months or so, but who was I to argue...
Actually we had our last cervical scan that monday and, it looked just fine according to the doctor. It was the wierd one who wouldn't show me where things were if you remember, but she behaved quite differently this last time and, I didn't have any problems with her at all. I asked her about being awake or not during the c-section and she said that the other doctor had it backwards and, that it'd be better for the baby if I was awake, since it might take longer to open up the uterus due to scar tissue and such .
It didn't seem like it took very long though and, there were no scary noises. Mostly just a pulling sensation. He was crying before they had even gotten him out completely. We were crying too. It's probably the first time in my life that I've cried for joy. I never did when Alex was born, cause he wasn't brieving, so there wasn't any time to be happy just then, I was just so worried.
so much has changed since Alex had to stay in the premature department, almost 14 years ago. Back then you were allowed to visit as often as you wanted, but that's still all it was, a visit. Now they provide rooms over there so that you can stay with your baby. Not just the moms either, but B too and, even Alex could stay as well.
Our little miracle was born on wednesday the 25 of mei and, the first to days were a little bit stressful. It didn't feel like B got to be with us very much at all during that time. It shouldn't have been like that, cause They had an extra bed for him in my room, so he could just have stayed with me and enjoyed the first time with our new little treasure. Thursday however,he had to take Alex to the eye doctor, which didn't do a lot of good, cause they were just very rude over there and refused to speak english. One of them pretty much questioned what the hell he was doing there, although not in those words. I reckon I can have my fiancé go with my son to an appointment without me when he's been living with us for 3 years, but apparently she didn't think so.
The next night he had to stay home with Alexander. he had been staying with a friends mom the night before and, when it took to long before they heard from us she tried to call the hospital, which was both good and bad, cause without that I wouldn't have been able to get a hold of Alex at all, since ´he hadn't been charging his cell as usual.I didn't get her message until 11 o.clock though and, she said that she had called around 8, so somebody screwed up somewhere. Anyway, I almost couldn't get her to quit talking long enough to put Alex on the phone and, it was obvious that she was drunk. I didn't want him to stay over there after that of course, but I couldn't get a hold of B. He was busy telling Foxworth about Joshua, so all I got was the voicemail. I guess even if I had been able to get a hold of him, we wouldn't have been able to tell Alex to go home, cause he still didn't put his phone on the charger, even though I told him to, so there was no way to let him know anyway. Not that she's bad when she's drunk, she's actually very nice, it's just that I don't want someone who's intoxicated to be responsable for my kids.
I stayed with little peeper until 2 that morning. I didn't want him to be lonely. I couldn't sleep when i got back to my room anyway, I just felt so alone for some reason. I almost had them take me back to him, but in the end I decided to try to rest for a bit and, I slept off and on until 6 or so.
B and Alex came over around 1 and they had gotten the cutest little sailor outfit for this little rainbow of ours. It's the regular size for newborns, but it is way too big for him.
Actually, it's just now getting to fit him and, he's almost 4 weeks now.
For the most part, the change has come easily, though it's a bit more difficult for B than for me. We're both super sensitive however, like that time when B started telling me what bus they were gonna take home and such as soon as he got to the hospital and, it turned out that they weren't gonna stay very long, so I snapped at him for starting to talk about leaving as soon as he got in the dore. That's just the way he is though, he's always planning everything out in detail, but it just made me feel like he didn't wanna be there, but when he realised that's what i was thinking, it made him cry.
Things got better the next day as soon as they got us a room where all of us could stay though. Even though it was a little bit hard to stay in such a small space for 9 days, it wasn't half as difficult as I thought it would be. I was a little bit worried that little peeper would wake Alex up during the night, but for the most part neither him nor B even stirred even though the nurses brought food in every 3 hours.
He's so good though, Most of the time he just makes those little peeping noises... Like a little kitten.... he almost never cries AND, HE'S PERFECT IN EVERY WAY YOU CAN IMAGINE. We're so lucky, so incredibly lucky.
3100 grams and 49 cm today.
He's got 3 beautiful names, but he makes the cutest little peeping sound you could possibly imagine, so on here, I think we'll be going with little Peeper for now. I'm sure there'll be other suitable nicknames along the way.
Which means that he has gained 200 Grams since last week.
Actually the c-section was planned for today, but he's been with us for 27 days already, as he was in a little bit of a hurry to join us.
We had to stay in the hospital until he got strong enough to eat. They released us on the 9th this month, but I just haven't had the time to write, since this little one wants to eat every other hour. He's so very little still that I figure I'll just let him eat when ever he wants to. Routine can come later.
He wasn't small for his age, but he dropped to 2320 grams before it finally turned around and he started to gain weight again.
They let us go home on sunday the6 of june and, he was up to 2460 grams that day. 2 days later they came to our house to weigh him, and he had gained 110 grams in that time. Before that it had been a slow climb on the scale with 40 grams every other day, but it was the same with Alex when we got to take him home. It's just better for everybody to be in a relaxed environment.
They made a mistake when they released him, cause the doctor was suppose to do a final physical before we left, but there was some kind of misunderstanding, so he thought it had been done already. But instead of making us come back in, they had the doctor come to our house and examine him. Being blind's got it's advantages some times, cause I doubt that they would have done that for just anybody.
Normally I would have said no, but as it was I really apriciated not having to go back in right away. Though we had to go to the audiologist that thursday anyway, for a second hearing test, which he by the way failed as well, so I guess it really didn't matter...
I try not to worry about the test though. They say that it's very likely that it's because he's premature and he's ear canals aren't big enough for the test to work properly.
All in all it has been a wonderful experience.
Not just finally getting to hold this little miracle in my arms, but everything, even the c-section, which really wasn't anything to worry about at all. The only scary part was that my blood pressure decided to drop during the procedure, but all that really happened was that I thought I was gonna pass out there for a couple of minutes. I never did though and, they got it under control pretty quickly.
I was awake during the whole thing and, B was write there with me the whole time. Well at least until they had let both of us feel him.
They never put him on my chest though. I was kind of puzzled at that, but I never got around to asking them why. They let Brandon feel him first and then they held him so that I could touch him too. They didn't tell us what sex he was, but waited for us to figure it out. Some kind of policy they've got I think, cause it was the same when I had Alex.
After that Brandon went with them while they put him in an incubator and took himover to the premature department. He had a bit of fluid in his lungs, so he was in a c-pap for about 10 minutes, but when I got there he was already better and, didn't need it any more. He had a little bit of trouble and, was making a kind of crying noise every time he was exhaling, but everything was normal after just a few hours.
He didn't need the incubator either, just a water matris with heat, to help him stay warm and, a tube for feeding, since he was to week to eat very much on his own. He's almost never in his bed though, I just let him sleep in my arms.
That closeness is so very important for these little ones and, I don't wanna put him down for a minute anyway. Sometimes I feel like I don't even let B hold him enough, cause it's so hard for me to let him go, but he gets the chance every once in a while at least.
But I suppose I should take it from the beginning here.
My water broke around 10 or so, but I wasn't even entirely sure if that was it at first. B called me from school, he always did around that time, when he was on a break. I almost didn't even tell him about it, cause for the most part, as long as I didn't move around a lot, it was just like a slow dripping.
B came home as soon as he could and, I called the hospital and they said that if it wasn't for that I was scheduled for a c-section already, they'd make me wait until the contractions got worse, but as it was I should come in, but I didn't need to hurry. So then I had B go get a bottle and, some formula, just in case they wouldn't provide us with that, which turned out to be silly, cause now I'm brestfeeding after all. How could I not, when he was so little and needed every bit of strength I could provide him with.
I haven't regreted it for one minute, except sometimes when it's really obvious that B feels left out.
I had to pump a lot in the beginning, since he was to weak to eat very much at a time. I'm not having any problems at all though, it doesn't hurt and, I've got plenty of milk and, I just wish I would have been smart enough to try it with Alex, instead of listening to Helene and Gittan, who both told me that it was painful and, really only made you feel very insecure, since you couldn't tell if the baby was eating enough, Plus you'd have to do all the work while your partner was snoring away. i guess it probably wouldn't have worked back then, cause I could never have survived quitting the medicin. But I still wish things could have been different.
That part about snoring away has turned out to be true, it is almost impossible to wake B up at night, so I definitely do more, but I don't mind that much now that he's spending more time with us during the day. Even if he just sits here with me when I'm feeding our little one, it makes him a part of it and, that is very important. I'm gonna try to use the pump more, so that he can feed him too.
Anyway, I think I went back a bit too far now, as that was way before..
It was around 1:30 pm when we got to the hospital, we waited for a little while and then they hooked me up to a monitar and, the baby was doing just fine.
There was someone else ahead of me who wouldn't be able to wait, so They gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I figured it'd be a couple of hours at least and, it seemed like the midwife thought so as well, cause she went and got B something to eat and everything. I was pretty hungry by then too, cause me and B had gotten in to this routine where we'd go get something from the bakery when he got back from school, lunch for him, but breakfast for me, but knowing that I had a c-section in a not too distant future I of course had to pass, so no food for me since dinner the night before. I told them I had eaten at 8 that morning though. I knew it'd be enough for them to hook me up to the IV, but not enough for them to freak out.
Anyway, as soon as B had gotten his food, the doctor came back and told us that since the contractions hadn't stopped we could go down to the operating room right away, they were ready and waiting for us. Honestly my contractions were no worse than they had been for the last 3 months or so, but who was I to argue...
Actually we had our last cervical scan that monday and, it looked just fine according to the doctor. It was the wierd one who wouldn't show me where things were if you remember, but she behaved quite differently this last time and, I didn't have any problems with her at all. I asked her about being awake or not during the c-section and she said that the other doctor had it backwards and, that it'd be better for the baby if I was awake, since it might take longer to open up the uterus due to scar tissue and such .
It didn't seem like it took very long though and, there were no scary noises. Mostly just a pulling sensation. He was crying before they had even gotten him out completely. We were crying too. It's probably the first time in my life that I've cried for joy. I never did when Alex was born, cause he wasn't brieving, so there wasn't any time to be happy just then, I was just so worried.
so much has changed since Alex had to stay in the premature department, almost 14 years ago. Back then you were allowed to visit as often as you wanted, but that's still all it was, a visit. Now they provide rooms over there so that you can stay with your baby. Not just the moms either, but B too and, even Alex could stay as well.
Our little miracle was born on wednesday the 25 of mei and, the first to days were a little bit stressful. It didn't feel like B got to be with us very much at all during that time. It shouldn't have been like that, cause They had an extra bed for him in my room, so he could just have stayed with me and enjoyed the first time with our new little treasure. Thursday however,he had to take Alex to the eye doctor, which didn't do a lot of good, cause they were just very rude over there and refused to speak english. One of them pretty much questioned what the hell he was doing there, although not in those words. I reckon I can have my fiancé go with my son to an appointment without me when he's been living with us for 3 years, but apparently she didn't think so.
The next night he had to stay home with Alexander. he had been staying with a friends mom the night before and, when it took to long before they heard from us she tried to call the hospital, which was both good and bad, cause without that I wouldn't have been able to get a hold of Alex at all, since ´he hadn't been charging his cell as usual.I didn't get her message until 11 o.clock though and, she said that she had called around 8, so somebody screwed up somewhere. Anyway, I almost couldn't get her to quit talking long enough to put Alex on the phone and, it was obvious that she was drunk. I didn't want him to stay over there after that of course, but I couldn't get a hold of B. He was busy telling Foxworth about Joshua, so all I got was the voicemail. I guess even if I had been able to get a hold of him, we wouldn't have been able to tell Alex to go home, cause he still didn't put his phone on the charger, even though I told him to, so there was no way to let him know anyway. Not that she's bad when she's drunk, she's actually very nice, it's just that I don't want someone who's intoxicated to be responsable for my kids.
I stayed with little peeper until 2 that morning. I didn't want him to be lonely. I couldn't sleep when i got back to my room anyway, I just felt so alone for some reason. I almost had them take me back to him, but in the end I decided to try to rest for a bit and, I slept off and on until 6 or so.
B and Alex came over around 1 and they had gotten the cutest little sailor outfit for this little rainbow of ours. It's the regular size for newborns, but it is way too big for him.
Actually, it's just now getting to fit him and, he's almost 4 weeks now.
For the most part, the change has come easily, though it's a bit more difficult for B than for me. We're both super sensitive however, like that time when B started telling me what bus they were gonna take home and such as soon as he got to the hospital and, it turned out that they weren't gonna stay very long, so I snapped at him for starting to talk about leaving as soon as he got in the dore. That's just the way he is though, he's always planning everything out in detail, but it just made me feel like he didn't wanna be there, but when he realised that's what i was thinking, it made him cry.
Things got better the next day as soon as they got us a room where all of us could stay though. Even though it was a little bit hard to stay in such a small space for 9 days, it wasn't half as difficult as I thought it would be. I was a little bit worried that little peeper would wake Alex up during the night, but for the most part neither him nor B even stirred even though the nurses brought food in every 3 hours.
He's so good though, Most of the time he just makes those little peeping noises... Like a little kitten.... he almost never cries AND, HE'S PERFECT IN EVERY WAY YOU CAN IMAGINE. We're so lucky, so incredibly lucky.
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