Christmas time!

Christmas, Hanukah, and/or Kwanza... I hope the holidays are being kind to you all, what ever you're celebrating this weekend.

We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.

Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.

***

And now to tell you about our Christmas.

In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.

It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.

There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.

Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.

We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.

Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.

Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.

We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.

It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.

We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...

This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.

That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.

Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.

I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...

Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...

It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.

The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.

To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...

Trying Solids

I know, I know, we were going to wait until he turns 6 months and, that's another 5 weeks still...
But he is hungry...

He wants to eat about a hundrad times in a 24 hour period. That's no problem, I'm use to that by now, but he has started this new thing, where he's turning every nursing session into either a "lets practice my hunting skills" session, or a "I'm gonna go into wrestling when I grow up, so come on boob, lets have a match" session.

The hunting practice means that he'll sit absolutely still for a few seconds and stare at my boob, before opening his mouth as wide as he can... Then he throws himself forward and bears down on it as if it was his prey. After a couple of swallows he lets go and starts over...

The wrestling practice involves using both hands to push my boob back and forth, while at the same time trying to keep the nipple in his mouth, which of course means that he'll lose it more often than not. Then he loses his mind trying to find it again.

I'm beginning to worry about him not eating enough and, not sleeping enough for that matter. All that waking up to eat is not suppose to be good for him.

I'm aware of that the articles on the subject, at for example Baby Center, say that that shouldn't be the reason for starting with solids, but our nurse is of another opinion. According to her we should try to get him to eat hot cereal before he goes to bed, so that he'll sleep all night. She said that he was old enough not to eat at night a month ago.

I don't care about that. I'll let him eat at night for as long as he wants to, as long as he gets enough sleep, but there was another reason as well, which was that I was curious...Yep, there it is...

Solids are fun and, I've been looking forward to finding out what he'll like. More over, if he's anything like his brother, it'll take time to get him use to the new texture, so unless we want to wait until he's 9 months before he'll eat a meal without spitting all of it out, we've better start trying a little bit now.

More importantly, trying just a little doesn't mean that I'll exchange any of his nursing time yet. I still want him to have breast milk as his main source for nourishment, but a spoonfull of mashed carrots, potatos or the like isn't going to change that.

Here's how it went the first time:

Sister's reunion

Michelle and Chrissie came for a visit together today. I'm so glad they're talking again. Family get togethers are difficult enough without that adding to it.

They stayed all day and, time passed so quickly that Michelle couldn't come with to IKEA to get the new crib for peeper, which had been the original plan. Well, or my plan anyway, she and Chrissie just wanted to look around, but time got away from us and, she had to make sure that Victor got home before it got to late.

He is such a sweet kid, talking so well for his age. It's a joy to be around him. He's not afraid of me either even though we don't see each other that often. Other kids his age usually find it a bit disconcerting with my eyepatch.

Elias has grown a lot since I saw him last and, he has more hair than ever. He even accidentally pulls it himself and, Michelle has already had to cut it twice. I wish I had pictures, but we didn't take any this time, since Chrissie forgot the camera. I'll have to remember to remind her to bring it next time.

My second attempt at going somewhere without our little Peeper didn't work out much better than the first one.
Me and Chrissie went to IKEA to get the crib and, B called me after 5 minutes just to let me know that little Peeper was already crying. No. I'm not exaggerating... It was no more than 5 minutes...

It stressed me out and, I couldn't really enjoy the first time me and Chrissie have had alone in ages. I just felt like I had to hurry... Hurry... And get back home to my poor crying baby.

We went and got the crib and the other stuff we needed as quickly as we could, but it took almost an hour anyway. It is so huge there now and, not at all easy to find things.

When we got to the checkout, the credit card would not work. They said that this was quite common when one is using their self scanning so if we just went to the regular register it'd probably be fine.

They were right, and wrong. The charge went through, but now they required id and, it was B's credit card, which I'm thankful that they did not notice. I could get in all kinds of trouble for that, but they accepted that I had left my id in my other purse, which by the way was true. I did not have it...

Now, since I did not have ID, we had to go to a third place where they bought the items back so to speak and, than they had to put them back in the system, which took forever as, one was reading a control number for each item and another was putting the digits in her computer. Since I was on a time limit she of course also managed to get these confused a couple of times and, then she had to start over...

After that they tried again to let me buy the stuff using my pin, and again, it did not go through.. .

after spending an hour and a half at IKEA, at the verge of panic and, with my boobs growing by the second because my body is use to little Peeper eating every other hour.
I came home with nothing...

At least B an Alex went and got the new tub for him last week. It's been a while since he out grew the sink and, even though he likes the big tub, it was just killing my back.

I think I'll still let him bathe there occasionally, since all that freedom to move around as he pleases is good for him, but he seems to like having his own little tub as well so we'll just stick to that for the most part.