Little Peeper's blood work is pretty much following the same trend as last time I posted, that's to say everything is still coming back up, but his neutrophils are still alarmingly low, so we're keeping to ourselves as much as possible. The only time we se other people is when we go to his appointments orr to the counseling, but we're hoping that his values will come back up during next week, so that we'll maybe get the chance to see at least my sister for easter, as we have an extra week at home before the next chemo treatment.
Alex has the next week off from school and, in a moment of weakness I promised him that he would get to decide the menu for the whole week. The only condition was that he would help me cook the meals he picked out and, that he included vegetables. It'll be good practice for him...
We started off nicely by making our own pizza. The result wasn't too bad and, it was nice to get the chance to do something with him for a change, as little Peeper of course takes up most of my time...
We went for a long walk today too. I've been keeping track of distance, average pace etc, with Run Keeper and, we have walked over 30 km since Sunday. It's a good trend and, I hope tomorrow will be warm enough to keep it up.
Today was sunny enough, but the wind was pretty bad and, awfully cold. But at least we didn't get woke up by a blisard like my mom and my brothers. Either way, March is definitely going out like a lion.
Earth Hour ended a little over an hour ago and, considering what a good time it was to play word-games with Alex and B and, to sing songs together at candle light, we should turn all electric stuff off more ofthen. Little Peeper especially enjoyed the last part and, he loved to look at the candles.
Surprisingly enough, It seemed like a lot of people in our neighbourhood showed mother earth some respect and turned their lights off during Earth Hour. I didn't expect that, this isn't the type of neighbourhood where people believe that they can make a difference. They prefer to sit at home and complain about the crappy government running this country, instead of casting their votes on their oponents to make sure that the bastards lose their seats in the parlament.
You'd think that they'd join the ones who argue that turning everything off for an hour isn't going to make any difference and, how we will use up more energy by starting everything back up again, but for once I was glad to find that I was wrong...
By the way, of course it doesn't make a lot of difference from the energy perspective, but the whine-bags are missing the point...
Earth hour is about raising awareness about how much energy we're using up and, about the environmental situation, which is getting more desperate every day and, jus the fact that the world's largest volontary movement to save the environment has reached even the semi-ghetto where we live, is proof that it's working.
I wish there was a way to raise awareness about baby loss and childhood cancer that was just as effective.
Showing posts with label Holidays And Traditions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays And Traditions. Show all posts
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas time!
Christmas, Hanukah, and/or Kwanza... I hope the holidays are being kind to you all, what ever you're celebrating this weekend.
We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.
Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.
***
And now to tell you about our Christmas.
In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.
There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.
Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.
We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.
Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.
Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.
We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.
It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.
We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...
This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.
That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.
Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.
I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...
Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...
It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.
The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.
To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...
We've been having a wonderful time, celebrating the first Christmas with our little miracle, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember the emptiness and all the "what if:S," and, I totally understand if you don't wanna hear about my happiness if you're here because you too have lost a baby, especially so if your grief is fresh and clawing. I have been there too and, I can remember with a clarity that almost makes me feel guilty about what I'm feeling now.
Just remember that some day, you will get there as well. There'll always be apart of you missing, but there will be joy and smiles and laughter again no matter how impossible that seems right now. Even during the longest and darkest winter there is always a promise of spring coming back around eventually.
***
And now to tell you about our Christmas.
In accordance with Swedish tradition, we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It was a wonderfully sunny day, which somewhat made up for the lack of snow. We all went for a walk before starting the food preparations and, it could have been any given day at the end of March or the beginning of April. It felt kind of wierd to come back home and get the Christmas buffet ready after that.
There wasn't that much to do really, we've been preparing food and cookies and candy for days now, so we just had to warm some of the stuff up. I didn't think it would, but A little bit of that Christmasy feeling finally came along when we sat down to eat and watch the Christmas cartoons at 3 o'clock.
Normally, santa will come around with gifts for the children shortly after it gets dark, or as soon as we get done eating, but Squeaker is too little for that sort of thing and, Alex is too old for it, so we decided to skip that part until next year.
We've just been putting all the gifts under the Christmas tree as soon as I've gotten done wrapping them and, we just sat down together and let Alex hand them out.
Next year we'll have to set some gifts aside to be put in a special sac for santa to bring. Or maybe I'll just happen to find a sac that santa left behind when we're celebrating with the cousins in a couple of days; Michelle's kids are old enough to appreciate something like that.
Everybody's been doing their own thing this year and, I missed the others a little bit, but we'll celebrate with Michelle and Chrissie in a few days like I said and, my mom and me decided to save the gifts until we see each other next time. She asked me if I wanted her to mail them, but I didn't want her to. I want the kids to know that it's about being together too, not just getting presents.
We spent too much on gifts. We always do. It's so hard not to, but I worry that it'll be hard to teach the children that it isn't all about the presents. Still I want them to know that Christmas is about something else.
It's not for religious reasons. Not that Christ was born and all that, though they of course should know the story, since that is part of why the tradition came about. They can choose what they want to believe when they get older, but I want them to learn to appreciate being together and, that giving is just as, if not more important than receiving.
We don't have much, but we have a lot more than many others and, we should do what we can. I want them to remember the less fortunate, to give to the sick, the poor, the homeless, the hungry. To have a word of hope and consolation for the sad and the lonely. Not because they'll get to heaven if they do, but because there's a reward in making others feel better; it'll make the world a better place...
This of course isn't just something to keep in mind around Christmas, but it's more important at a time when there are millions of commercials out there to make them think of what they want for themselves.
That being said, I also never want them to experience what it is to be without and, it's hard to find a balance, cause you can't really appreciate what you've got until you know what it is to not have it. All I can really do is to get them involved in giving.
Alex always tells me when we're passing a homeless person down town and, he asks me for a bit of money to give and, I just hope that he'll keep doing the same thing when he has to give of his own money later on.
I'm thinking extra of these things this year, cause it's the first time Alex's has his own money to buy gifts and, he was happy to get something for his little brother and, for me and B and, when his 10-year-old cousin was over here a week ago, he went and got him an early Christmas gift without me suggesting it, since Joel wouldn't be celebrating with us this time. But when it came to getting something for his little cousins: a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and, a baby of 8 months, he began complaining about that he wouldn't have anything left for himself. I don't like that he thinks like that, but I guess most people do.. and, especially a 14-year-old...
Seems I can always find something to worry about, doesn't it...
It was a wonderful day and, we got to spend quality time as a family, ate good food, and, exchanged wonderful thoughtful gifts.
The true joy however, lay in hearing the smile in Alex's voice when he was opening his gifts and, in watching our little miracle open his first presents and, chew on the wrapping paper, which he if truth be told enjoyed just as much as his new toys.
To get a little bit of American tradition mixed in with the Swedish, we saved a couple of gifts for little Squeaker to open today and, we had the cellphone there to catch it on video. Probably not great quality, but the moment has been immortalised just the same...
Monday, December 12, 2011
Lucia; where art thou?
Little Squeaker's second tooth finally broke through today and, to make things even better, my mom somehow managed to get him to take a bottle of formula, so hopefully there's now a little more sleep coming our way.
. That was the highlights of the day and, it's been down hill from that point.
First off today I got a glimpse of what could have been and, a reminder of what I don't have...
Alex's cousin, Joel is here. He is 10 years old. He is also the baby that was born right around the time when my baby should have been born... The baby who lived in spite of pre-aclampsia and in spite of being born with the umbilical cord around his neck... The baby who made it against all odds... When little Andreas didn't..
This morning he spent an eternity standing by little squeaker's crib, trying to keep him calm. He was just talking away to him and, stroking his head. Squeaker was making little sounds as if he was answering and, In the end those 2 where going back and forth as if they were having a real conversation. After a while Joel came to me and told me that our little miracle is the cutest little baby ever...
The scene rung my heart. It would have been... Should have been... Just like that... Another little 10-year-old should be standing there, talking to his brother...
It's been a while since I felt like that, but sometimes I so long for what could have been.
Strangely enough, It didn't bother me when Joel was a baby. Perhaps because I was determined not to let it. My sister was so supportive of me during that time. When I was hoping against hope, she hoped with me and, when my little one didn't make it she cried as well...
I think it started that Christmas when me and T lost our second baby and, I decided that there would never be another one...
It was an early miscarriage that time, just 9 weeks along, so it was nothing like the first time and, yet in a way it was, cause there was still a heartbeat when I first started bleeding. The doctor gave us a bit of hope and sent me home to take it easy. She even scheduled an appointment for me on Christmas day to check again, but when we came in that morning that little life had given up on me as well... And so I gave up too... I was done.
3 months later I had moved back to the south, without T. I was done with relationships too and, it took me 5 years to change my mind; until B came back to Sweden for the second time in January 2009. It would take me 3 more years before I wanted to try to have another baby, even though that tumor they removed from my uterus in 2007 was the likely cause of my loss of Andreas, as well as my 2 miscarriages in the first trimester.
T Had changed over the 3 years since we lost our first and, he had longed for this baby too, but I just couldn't forgive him... I'm not sure I have till this day, we could never have made it as a couple, but we're the best of friends now, just like before we fell in love.
When I made the decision to quit trying for another baby, I was no longer on guard against a certain type of thoughts and, I often found myself sitting with my sister's son on my lap, wishing with all my might that he was mine.
I had Alex of course and, I know that I was lucky to have him. He gave me something to live for at my darkest hour. But I will always wonder what it would have been like to have his brother here with us; and what would he have been like? Who would he look like? What would his laughter sound like? How would his little hand feel like in mine? So many questions; and I'll never know the answer...
Today I finally asked my mom how she survived after losing my brother at birth. She had her mother she said. She was such a nice and caring person my grandmother and, I know that she too had lost a baby at 7 months gestation, so she would have known what my mom was going through.
That in it's turn makes me wonder who was there for her. Perhaps she lost other babies too... It is 10 years between my uncle and my mom you see and, that wasn't very common back then. I hope somebody was kind to her, cause I know that my grandfather probably wasn't and, nor was her mom...
My mind is taking me in so many different directions today, but I'll finally get to describing the rest of this terrible day...
As I have mentioned before, my son attends the music school here in the city and they're setting up a Lucia concert at the concert house to celebrate hope and light every year.
Chrissie and her fiance and sometimes my dad will always come with me to these events,but things were going to be a bit different this year...
My sister's fiance had to work this time, so she had to come on her own and, as for my dad, we're very glad that he made it to the baptism, cause he really needs to stay home and take it easy.
He recently had a slight heart attack... So slight in fact, that he didn't even experience any pain and, the doctor things that he probably had it in his sleep, since all he's noticed is that he's been extremely tired lately and, that he's been getting out of breath for no reason. He wasn't even going to go to the doctor at first...
Isn't that like a man...
He is scheduled for an ultra sound tomorrow, so we don't really know how much damaged the heart attack has done yet, but with the diet he keeps, literally no exercise and, all that smoking he is very lucky that he got off so easily and, the doctor told him so as well.
He really needs to start taking better care of himself. Me and my sisters have been trying to get him to improve his diet and levels of exercise for years. I can only hope that he takes this for what it is; a warning and, a motivator...
In stead my mom was going to come with us to the concert. It would be her first, as she's been too sick to go for quite some time now and, before that her work prevented her from going.
Little Squeaker has a cold and has been miserable all day and, to make things even better it was also poring down out there when it was time for us to go to the bus. We debated back and forth if one of us should stay home and who that one should be, but decided to give it a try and just leave early if it didn't work out.
We had just closed the door behind us when I realized that I hadn't printed out the tickets yet and, then all hell broke lose.
Alex and my brother had borrowed my laptop and forgotten to put the charger back and, of course I couldn't find it.
No panic at the disco however... I just forwarded the email to B and tried to get it to work from his computer instead. It shouldn't take more than a minute...
Except he's got Windows7 on there and, of course, I didn't even know where to find internet Explorer in that OS, so after looking around for a while I had Alex's cousin rung get B so that he could fix it... Still no panic; it'd only take a minute once he got back up here.
Or that's what I thought, cause it turned out he didn't have Acrobat Reader, so he couldn't print out the PDF-file from his computer.
Easy enough to just go download the program right? Wrong!
You see it automatically picks a language based on your location and, of course everything on the website was now in Swedish... Which meant that he had to give the machine back to me...
When we finally got the freaking tickets printed we had 25 minutes to go until the concert was suppose to start...
Then my sister decided that she wouldn't go, cause she just couldn't deal with the stress of walking in there late... This thyroid business has still got her tolerance for stress reduced to nothingness.
My mom decided that she wasn't up to it either, cause she wasn't feeling good...
Alex's cousin wanted to stay here and play video games and, B decided to stay here with Squeaker to keep him out of the rain.
So I went on my own...
I'm not gonna have Alex stand there looking around for us only to be left with the notion that nobody cared enough about him to come to listen and watch.
There's another crucial little detail as well and, that is that he was too sick to go, but he went anyway cause it would be his grandma's first concert. She even asked him to do it for her sake...
In the end it was good that she didn't come, cause there had been a mistake with our tickets, so I had to climb up several stairs to get to our seats and, she would never have been able to get up there, but it was a disappointment just the same and, it may be unfair, but It kind of felt like she stayed behind because she thought that my sister would stay over here and hang out, which she didn't, she just went home....
If truth be told I was so upset about how they all acted that I spent most of the concert choking back tears. I just thought it was so mean to Alex not to at least try. More over, they always start the concert late anyway and, I still had 15 minutes to go when I got there.
It's been a long time since I had trouble controlling my emotions in public. It's not my style. I want to go and hide somewhere and be left alone when I'm sad. But sometimes the tears just fall anyway, no matter how hard I try.
It didn't use to be that way, but now, songs and movies and all kinds of things can make me cry. Gone are the days when "Titanic" was the only movie that had ever stirred something so deep in me that it could draw tears.
I even broke down at a restaurant in Stockholm once during that terrible summer 2010, all because they played a particular song and, I thought it was over between me and B. I didn't sit there and boll obviously, but tears were falling... No one noticed however, that's one of the advantages of going out with blind friends..
As for today, I'm not sure how I made it through without crying. The first part of the concert is always the lucia songs and, it's so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes even without the extra stress added to it.. Not to mention the months and months without sleep before and after the arrival of our little miracle.
On top of all that I am now also getting sick. I was so cold that I was shaking while watching the concert and, I still can't get warm. Just what I need now with all the preparations for Christmas coming up...
If Lucia is coming around with hope and light this year; she had better hurry up and come on over... If she gets here fast enough she may even get to join my pity party...
. That was the highlights of the day and, it's been down hill from that point.
First off today I got a glimpse of what could have been and, a reminder of what I don't have...
Alex's cousin, Joel is here. He is 10 years old. He is also the baby that was born right around the time when my baby should have been born... The baby who lived in spite of pre-aclampsia and in spite of being born with the umbilical cord around his neck... The baby who made it against all odds... When little Andreas didn't..
This morning he spent an eternity standing by little squeaker's crib, trying to keep him calm. He was just talking away to him and, stroking his head. Squeaker was making little sounds as if he was answering and, In the end those 2 where going back and forth as if they were having a real conversation. After a while Joel came to me and told me that our little miracle is the cutest little baby ever...
The scene rung my heart. It would have been... Should have been... Just like that... Another little 10-year-old should be standing there, talking to his brother...
It's been a while since I felt like that, but sometimes I so long for what could have been.
Strangely enough, It didn't bother me when Joel was a baby. Perhaps because I was determined not to let it. My sister was so supportive of me during that time. When I was hoping against hope, she hoped with me and, when my little one didn't make it she cried as well...
I think it started that Christmas when me and T lost our second baby and, I decided that there would never be another one...
It was an early miscarriage that time, just 9 weeks along, so it was nothing like the first time and, yet in a way it was, cause there was still a heartbeat when I first started bleeding. The doctor gave us a bit of hope and sent me home to take it easy. She even scheduled an appointment for me on Christmas day to check again, but when we came in that morning that little life had given up on me as well... And so I gave up too... I was done.
3 months later I had moved back to the south, without T. I was done with relationships too and, it took me 5 years to change my mind; until B came back to Sweden for the second time in January 2009. It would take me 3 more years before I wanted to try to have another baby, even though that tumor they removed from my uterus in 2007 was the likely cause of my loss of Andreas, as well as my 2 miscarriages in the first trimester.
T Had changed over the 3 years since we lost our first and, he had longed for this baby too, but I just couldn't forgive him... I'm not sure I have till this day, we could never have made it as a couple, but we're the best of friends now, just like before we fell in love.
When I made the decision to quit trying for another baby, I was no longer on guard against a certain type of thoughts and, I often found myself sitting with my sister's son on my lap, wishing with all my might that he was mine.
I had Alex of course and, I know that I was lucky to have him. He gave me something to live for at my darkest hour. But I will always wonder what it would have been like to have his brother here with us; and what would he have been like? Who would he look like? What would his laughter sound like? How would his little hand feel like in mine? So many questions; and I'll never know the answer...
Today I finally asked my mom how she survived after losing my brother at birth. She had her mother she said. She was such a nice and caring person my grandmother and, I know that she too had lost a baby at 7 months gestation, so she would have known what my mom was going through.
That in it's turn makes me wonder who was there for her. Perhaps she lost other babies too... It is 10 years between my uncle and my mom you see and, that wasn't very common back then. I hope somebody was kind to her, cause I know that my grandfather probably wasn't and, nor was her mom...
My mind is taking me in so many different directions today, but I'll finally get to describing the rest of this terrible day...
As I have mentioned before, my son attends the music school here in the city and they're setting up a Lucia concert at the concert house to celebrate hope and light every year.
Chrissie and her fiance and sometimes my dad will always come with me to these events,but things were going to be a bit different this year...
My sister's fiance had to work this time, so she had to come on her own and, as for my dad, we're very glad that he made it to the baptism, cause he really needs to stay home and take it easy.
He recently had a slight heart attack... So slight in fact, that he didn't even experience any pain and, the doctor things that he probably had it in his sleep, since all he's noticed is that he's been extremely tired lately and, that he's been getting out of breath for no reason. He wasn't even going to go to the doctor at first...
Isn't that like a man...
He is scheduled for an ultra sound tomorrow, so we don't really know how much damaged the heart attack has done yet, but with the diet he keeps, literally no exercise and, all that smoking he is very lucky that he got off so easily and, the doctor told him so as well.
He really needs to start taking better care of himself. Me and my sisters have been trying to get him to improve his diet and levels of exercise for years. I can only hope that he takes this for what it is; a warning and, a motivator...
In stead my mom was going to come with us to the concert. It would be her first, as she's been too sick to go for quite some time now and, before that her work prevented her from going.
Little Squeaker has a cold and has been miserable all day and, to make things even better it was also poring down out there when it was time for us to go to the bus. We debated back and forth if one of us should stay home and who that one should be, but decided to give it a try and just leave early if it didn't work out.
We had just closed the door behind us when I realized that I hadn't printed out the tickets yet and, then all hell broke lose.
Alex and my brother had borrowed my laptop and forgotten to put the charger back and, of course I couldn't find it.
No panic at the disco however... I just forwarded the email to B and tried to get it to work from his computer instead. It shouldn't take more than a minute...
Except he's got Windows7 on there and, of course, I didn't even know where to find internet Explorer in that OS, so after looking around for a while I had Alex's cousin rung get B so that he could fix it... Still no panic; it'd only take a minute once he got back up here.
Or that's what I thought, cause it turned out he didn't have Acrobat Reader, so he couldn't print out the PDF-file from his computer.
Easy enough to just go download the program right? Wrong!
You see it automatically picks a language based on your location and, of course everything on the website was now in Swedish... Which meant that he had to give the machine back to me...
When we finally got the freaking tickets printed we had 25 minutes to go until the concert was suppose to start...
Then my sister decided that she wouldn't go, cause she just couldn't deal with the stress of walking in there late... This thyroid business has still got her tolerance for stress reduced to nothingness.
My mom decided that she wasn't up to it either, cause she wasn't feeling good...
Alex's cousin wanted to stay here and play video games and, B decided to stay here with Squeaker to keep him out of the rain.
So I went on my own...
I'm not gonna have Alex stand there looking around for us only to be left with the notion that nobody cared enough about him to come to listen and watch.
There's another crucial little detail as well and, that is that he was too sick to go, but he went anyway cause it would be his grandma's first concert. She even asked him to do it for her sake...
In the end it was good that she didn't come, cause there had been a mistake with our tickets, so I had to climb up several stairs to get to our seats and, she would never have been able to get up there, but it was a disappointment just the same and, it may be unfair, but It kind of felt like she stayed behind because she thought that my sister would stay over here and hang out, which she didn't, she just went home....
If truth be told I was so upset about how they all acted that I spent most of the concert choking back tears. I just thought it was so mean to Alex not to at least try. More over, they always start the concert late anyway and, I still had 15 minutes to go when I got there.
It's been a long time since I had trouble controlling my emotions in public. It's not my style. I want to go and hide somewhere and be left alone when I'm sad. But sometimes the tears just fall anyway, no matter how hard I try.
It didn't use to be that way, but now, songs and movies and all kinds of things can make me cry. Gone are the days when "Titanic" was the only movie that had ever stirred something so deep in me that it could draw tears.
I even broke down at a restaurant in Stockholm once during that terrible summer 2010, all because they played a particular song and, I thought it was over between me and B. I didn't sit there and boll obviously, but tears were falling... No one noticed however, that's one of the advantages of going out with blind friends..
As for today, I'm not sure how I made it through without crying. The first part of the concert is always the lucia songs and, it's so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes even without the extra stress added to it.. Not to mention the months and months without sleep before and after the arrival of our little miracle.
On top of all that I am now also getting sick. I was so cold that I was shaking while watching the concert and, I still can't get warm. Just what I need now with all the preparations for Christmas coming up...
If Lucia is coming around with hope and light this year; she had better hurry up and come on over... If she gets here fast enough she may even get to join my pity party...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Finally over and done with
Little squeaker's christening took place yesterday and, "finally over and done with" pretty much sums up how I feel about it all.
Not that it wasn't beautiful and, not that I didn't appreciate that so many people made it, but dealing with all the preparations right as Squeaker's being miserable from getting a new tooth, sleeps even less than usual and, mostly wants to be carried around all the time, preferably by no one other than his mommy, has had me so stressed out I could have a nervous breakdown at any given moment.
Next time we'll have the reception...Anywhere but in our home and, catering instead of everything being home made...
But knowing myself that's very likely to be an empty threat. I will probably do all the baking next time as well. If there is a next time...
But right now I don't ever wanna do it again. I feel about ready to cancel the next baptism ahead of time, before we even have another baby on the way...
On top of all the stress from shopping, baking, cleaning and, practicing the song that Alex was gonna sing in church it was also an ordeal to get figured out who would get the honor of being godfather.
My sister was gonna be godmother, that's been decided from the start and, traditionally her fiancé would then be the godfather, but she recently told me that they are not going to baptize their future children, since he is an atheist and very much against it.
My sister doesn't believe either, but at first she wanted to do it for traditional reasons. But then they decided that if they're lucky enough to have children, they will gather friends and family, fill a bowl with champagne, announce the baby's name while putting his or her feet in the bowl and, then everybody will get a glass of the champagne and, drink to the little one's happiness in life.
Apparently that's the french way and, i think it's a great idea if one wants to have a name giving ceremony without the christian element added to it.
Anyway, since I learned that he's so against it, I didn't wanna ask him to be our little Peeper's godfather, cause I obviously didn't think he'd want to.
I asked T instead, but in the end he got the dates confused and, he wouldn't have been able to anyway, cause he had to work...
So then I thought that it'd be nice if Alex could do it, but... He wasn't allowed, cause you have to be confirmed in the Swedish church and, he doesn't want to take instructions in the christian faith.
I personally think that it'd be good for him, if for no other reason than that one should know what one's saying "yes" or "no" to. But I'm not gonna make him. It has to be his choice.
So, there we were and, it was time for the baptism and, there was nobody else who I wanted as godfather for our little one. I'd like either one of my 3 younger brothers, but I know that it'd be misconstrued and turned into that I was showing favoritism.'
So...With like 2 minutes to go my sister suggested that her fiance would be the godfather, cause it makes sense for them to be godparents together and, I was more than happy to accept.
At least we finally got that figured out at an otherwise totally chaotic day...
Well up until the christening that is... The reception didn't include any major disasters. I even had time to socialize a bit, which usually is impossible when one is responsible for something like that.
I was glad to see everyone again. It's been a long time since so many of us were gathered in the same place at the same time. At least it all ended with everybody having a good time, which is something to be thankful for after such a dreadful beginning...
Truth is, most of our guests almost missed the christening cause they couldn't find the church, but the worst of it all is, that so did we...
Buses are generally pretty reliable around here, but of course, out of all days of the´ year, they had to pick that day to change the buss schedule and, take out the buss we were suppose to catch to get over to the church on time.
We did of course not notice this until it was too late to do anything about it, so we had to catch a ride with my mom, who by the way was driving a car that she's not suppose to drive, cause it doesn't have the correct adjustments for her disability.
Also, B and my brother couldn't figure out how to fold up the stroller, so in the end they had to put it in the car in a way that meant that Alex couldn't wear his seat belt.
It's just a 10 minute ride, but 10 minutes gives you plenty of time to see pictures of car accidents in your mind..., Particularly accidents where you survive your children cause they weren't safely buckled in the car...
I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I would honestly rather have taken a cab.
My mom use to be a good driver, but with all the medication she's on now I'm not so sure. I understand that drugs work in a different manor when you have to take them to ease severe pain and, her doctor would of course not say that she was capable of driving if she wasn't. But it has to effect her reflexes, there's no way around that and, I can't help but worry Now that she's also driving a car that may be too difficult for her to master.
A cab driver wouldn't have let me bring a baby without a portable car seat however, which I by the way think is totally correct. Nobody should ride in a car without a seat belt on, ever...
It would have been better to reschedule the christening than to have anything happen to my kids and, I wish that I had just said no. Who cares about what people will think, or how they will talk, as long as your children are safe and sound.
I will never allow this to happen again. I'm gonna go buy a freaking car seat as soon as possible. Even if we never use it, it'll still be a good investment, cause then at least I know that we can never get into a situation like this again...
Friday, December 9, 2011
All it takes is a Christmas card
We got something in the mail from the U.S today.
This was a rather surprising event, Considering that no one has even taken the time to notify us of the fact that they can't make it to little Squeaker's Christening, which we of course knew when we mailed out the invitations; we just included the relatives over there to show them that they would be welcome should they have had the wish to join us.
It turned out to be A Christmas card and, a present´ for all of us from B's mom.
I appreciate the present very much, but I think both B and I value the card the most...
Funny, that just a little card can mean so much.
Maybe it's just us, but in this era of digital communication it means all the more when someone actually takes the time to physically put something in the mail. It makes one feel so much more important.
We're all so busy these days that we barely take the time to write each other e-mails anymore, much less letters and cards.
I am guilty of that too; I never send Christmas cards myself.
Part of the reason for that is of course that I'm blind, so it's a bit of a pain to do it. I can't just go and buy a card that I like and, I can't write the address on it either, since the letters might end up on top of each other. It takes the spontaneity out of the whole thing and, turns it into one of those chores that I have to have help with and, therefore want to avoid as often as possible.
So instead I send out a text message to all my contacts on Christmas eve, wishing everyone a merry Christmas and, I put the same thing up on my status on Facebook, but that's it really.
I use to put the same thing up on Messenger and Skype, but since I started using Facebook I've found myself getting on there less and less.
This of course means that I can keep up with what people are doing, but I don't communicate with them half as much as I use to.
Funny, how social media makes it possible to stay in touch with for example hundreds of "facebook friends" on a daily bases, but the real communication is going down the drain...
I realize that others have come to that conclusion before me, but with that Christmas card it suddenly had an impact on my own little space in the universe, so please bear with me even if you've heard this a million times before.
I'm one of those who have relatively few friends on there, as I've set up a rule that I would at least have to have met the person in real life or, have a darn good chance of doing so, if they were going to be in titled to a place among my Facebook-friends. That being said, I still have around 150 contacts on there.
A lot of them are from the sport that I'm playing; people that I exchange a few words with when we meet at the tournaments and, then there's of course the people from my past that I've reconnected with. That is one thing that Facebook is actually good for, it's very nice to find old friends again...
But most people don't seem to have any real-life-intentions on there. They have thousands of "friends" who don't even remotely care about them on their contact list and, I think a lot about what this lack of "real friendship" and "real communication" will do to our children....
Honestly... I've noticed that most people don't even take the time to leave comments on Facebook anymore; they just press "like" and they're done with it.
We have gone from:
writing letters, calling people and spending hours on the phone and, don't forget; having a date with the girls at a coffee shop or, just hanging out with our friends and play a game or something, to... Yeh to what exactly?
We hang out on Skype, send a thousand text messages a month, drop someone a line via e-mail, or click "like" on facebook...
My 14-year-old son and his friends hang out on Skype more often than they're actually physically in the same room.
He's got a cellphone of course... He's had one since he was 8 or so, but he almost never calls his friends on it. Instead he sends 5 thousand text messages a month; no I'm not kidding!
And yet I know how important this "online communication" can be. Trust me, I have not forgotten how me and my fiance met.
But I move easily between the online world and the real one. I distinguish between the 2. I knew that just because we got along well during those hours we spent on Skype and Ventrilo, there was no guarantee that we'd get along in "RL." But I'm not so sure that my son and his friends know this difference...
I don't have a solution. Perhaps there isn't one. There's no way to stop the development in the virtual reality and, for the most part I don't want to - technology opens up more and more possibilities every day for all of us, but I think even more so when one is legally blind...
But still I worry...
Perhaps because this online world has also opened up huge possibilities for people to let their evil side thrive and grow.
My brother is one of the nicest people I know and, Still my sister found a messenger conversation where he had been bashing some other kid he didn't know in real life...He had been calling him the most horrid names and, this was of course only because he could hide behind an online personality and, the other poor kid would never find out who he was.
And this is a common behavior...Not only among children you understand...
Games like World of Warcraft are barely playable anymore, due to all the trolls out there who are literally bullying other players by waiting around at the place where they are revived after they die so that they can kill them again and, there by make sure that they don't even get the chance to start playing. . And, this can go on for hours... Or however long it takes for a person to give up and log off.
The same goes for almost every forum out there in the internet world.
Places where women come for support after rape frequently get members who only come there to talk about how much fun it is to rape and torture girls and women.
Facebook Groups who are suppose to be taking a stand against pedophiles, are suddenly changed into pedophile-hangouts, where the member's pictures of children are stolen and, used in pornographic messages.
I recently read an article about an eighteen-year-old mom who had a picture of her and her baby put up up with a message that said something like: "Look at mommy's new little toy."
The worst I've actually seen myself so far though is a devastated mother who has been blogging to make it through the agony of slowly losing her son to "EB," a rare genetic skin disease which means that any type of friction on the skin or mucous membranes causes blisters. Not even her tremendous pain while watching him suffering and dying slowly for 2 years and 7 months, has awakened any kind of compassion in the heart of these evil people. Instead they have gone out of their way to leave her comments about how she is only keeping him alive to get attention in the media and things to that extent;WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SICK CREEPS OUT THERE?!
The same kind of thing, but in a smaller scale is now also happening on facebook all the time. It's very easy you see, to click like on one person's status, while refraining from doing the same on another's. So as mothers we do now not only have to try to look for signs of our children being bullied in school, which they may hide from us because they are afraid or ashamed, but all the social medias and, a lot of the games have the same potential of being a breeding ground for hatred and misery.
More over, even if there's no bullying going on, there's an expectation and a measuring by the amount of texts, views, comments and, "likes." one receives during any given day.
Now don't you dare dismiss that until you've Tried to explain to your insecure teenager that just because you didn't get 15 likes on your status or, 250 texts today, that does not mean that people don't like you....
Lets just all go back to sending Christmas cards shall we?
This was a rather surprising event, Considering that no one has even taken the time to notify us of the fact that they can't make it to little Squeaker's Christening, which we of course knew when we mailed out the invitations; we just included the relatives over there to show them that they would be welcome should they have had the wish to join us.
It turned out to be A Christmas card and, a present´ for all of us from B's mom.
I appreciate the present very much, but I think both B and I value the card the most...
Funny, that just a little card can mean so much.
Maybe it's just us, but in this era of digital communication it means all the more when someone actually takes the time to physically put something in the mail. It makes one feel so much more important.
We're all so busy these days that we barely take the time to write each other e-mails anymore, much less letters and cards.
I am guilty of that too; I never send Christmas cards myself.
Part of the reason for that is of course that I'm blind, so it's a bit of a pain to do it. I can't just go and buy a card that I like and, I can't write the address on it either, since the letters might end up on top of each other. It takes the spontaneity out of the whole thing and, turns it into one of those chores that I have to have help with and, therefore want to avoid as often as possible.
So instead I send out a text message to all my contacts on Christmas eve, wishing everyone a merry Christmas and, I put the same thing up on my status on Facebook, but that's it really.
I use to put the same thing up on Messenger and Skype, but since I started using Facebook I've found myself getting on there less and less.
This of course means that I can keep up with what people are doing, but I don't communicate with them half as much as I use to.
Funny, how social media makes it possible to stay in touch with for example hundreds of "facebook friends" on a daily bases, but the real communication is going down the drain...
I realize that others have come to that conclusion before me, but with that Christmas card it suddenly had an impact on my own little space in the universe, so please bear with me even if you've heard this a million times before.
I'm one of those who have relatively few friends on there, as I've set up a rule that I would at least have to have met the person in real life or, have a darn good chance of doing so, if they were going to be in titled to a place among my Facebook-friends. That being said, I still have around 150 contacts on there.
A lot of them are from the sport that I'm playing; people that I exchange a few words with when we meet at the tournaments and, then there's of course the people from my past that I've reconnected with. That is one thing that Facebook is actually good for, it's very nice to find old friends again...
But most people don't seem to have any real-life-intentions on there. They have thousands of "friends" who don't even remotely care about them on their contact list and, I think a lot about what this lack of "real friendship" and "real communication" will do to our children....
Honestly... I've noticed that most people don't even take the time to leave comments on Facebook anymore; they just press "like" and they're done with it.
We have gone from:
writing letters, calling people and spending hours on the phone and, don't forget; having a date with the girls at a coffee shop or, just hanging out with our friends and play a game or something, to... Yeh to what exactly?
We hang out on Skype, send a thousand text messages a month, drop someone a line via e-mail, or click "like" on facebook...
My 14-year-old son and his friends hang out on Skype more often than they're actually physically in the same room.
He's got a cellphone of course... He's had one since he was 8 or so, but he almost never calls his friends on it. Instead he sends 5 thousand text messages a month; no I'm not kidding!
And yet I know how important this "online communication" can be. Trust me, I have not forgotten how me and my fiance met.
But I move easily between the online world and the real one. I distinguish between the 2. I knew that just because we got along well during those hours we spent on Skype and Ventrilo, there was no guarantee that we'd get along in "RL." But I'm not so sure that my son and his friends know this difference...
I don't have a solution. Perhaps there isn't one. There's no way to stop the development in the virtual reality and, for the most part I don't want to - technology opens up more and more possibilities every day for all of us, but I think even more so when one is legally blind...
But still I worry...
Perhaps because this online world has also opened up huge possibilities for people to let their evil side thrive and grow.
My brother is one of the nicest people I know and, Still my sister found a messenger conversation where he had been bashing some other kid he didn't know in real life...He had been calling him the most horrid names and, this was of course only because he could hide behind an online personality and, the other poor kid would never find out who he was.
And this is a common behavior...Not only among children you understand...
Games like World of Warcraft are barely playable anymore, due to all the trolls out there who are literally bullying other players by waiting around at the place where they are revived after they die so that they can kill them again and, there by make sure that they don't even get the chance to start playing. . And, this can go on for hours... Or however long it takes for a person to give up and log off.
The same goes for almost every forum out there in the internet world.
Places where women come for support after rape frequently get members who only come there to talk about how much fun it is to rape and torture girls and women.
Facebook Groups who are suppose to be taking a stand against pedophiles, are suddenly changed into pedophile-hangouts, where the member's pictures of children are stolen and, used in pornographic messages.
I recently read an article about an eighteen-year-old mom who had a picture of her and her baby put up up with a message that said something like: "Look at mommy's new little toy."
The worst I've actually seen myself so far though is a devastated mother who has been blogging to make it through the agony of slowly losing her son to "EB," a rare genetic skin disease which means that any type of friction on the skin or mucous membranes causes blisters. Not even her tremendous pain while watching him suffering and dying slowly for 2 years and 7 months, has awakened any kind of compassion in the heart of these evil people. Instead they have gone out of their way to leave her comments about how she is only keeping him alive to get attention in the media and things to that extent;WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SICK CREEPS OUT THERE?!
The same kind of thing, but in a smaller scale is now also happening on facebook all the time. It's very easy you see, to click like on one person's status, while refraining from doing the same on another's. So as mothers we do now not only have to try to look for signs of our children being bullied in school, which they may hide from us because they are afraid or ashamed, but all the social medias and, a lot of the games have the same potential of being a breeding ground for hatred and misery.
More over, even if there's no bullying going on, there's an expectation and a measuring by the amount of texts, views, comments and, "likes." one receives during any given day.
Now don't you dare dismiss that until you've Tried to explain to your insecure teenager that just because you didn't get 15 likes on your status or, 250 texts today, that does not mean that people don't like you....
Lets just all go back to sending Christmas cards shall we?
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